Personal Notes to Laura: November - December 2005
Visit this section to view personal notes and expressions to Laura made from November 2005 through December 2005.
posted by Anonymous at 2/26/2006 02:22:00 PM
Sunday, February 26, 2006
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Love, Stacy
102 Comments:
Laura, thank you for sharing so much of your inner life as well as the experiences you're going through. I came here hungry for news of you, and I'm full now, not just with news, but with thoughts to ponder about how I'm living my own life. Thank you for that. Thank you for being here.
Love,
Joan Price
Saturday, November 05, 2005 9:32:00 PM
Hi Laura! Here in San Jose, with a lot of IBM BG Players! We spent hours with Rick last night, and you were with us in so many ways. You have ignited so many powerful BGs, and you must know they are alive, well, morphing and multiplying in IBM. And it is our intention to continue to turn up the wanter and the level of play! Just wanted to send my love (our love) and it will be maybe more intense this week - heading your way from this concentrated bunch of people whom you have so greatly impacted as we congregate in San Jose.
A thought on sustainability - when your voice and words pop into my head helping me shape choices, responses, games - isn't that sustainability of your game? Your voice and spirit live over here now too! I wonder how many of us have your voice in our heads and hearts, and how many times per day. What a gift and joy for me to have you over here in this way. And how I wish I could also hug the flesh and blood you too!
Enough from me - we shall connect in other ways too!
Lots of love,
Melissa
Wednesday, November 09, 2005 6:46:00 AM
You know Laura, when I read your last post, I envisioned you at a Dr's office - I have made up in my mind, the 'system' would see you as this tiny little woman who is soft spoken...until they actually speak with you...I can feel your fiestiness in my own skin as I sit here at the computer. I find myself being very delighted to know you are in that world making room for yourself and for others. That being said, I also wish you weren't there too.
One more thing - your ability to turn difficult moments into moments of curiosity, learning and deep reflection is very inspiring...it is so alive and powerful...thank you for that gift.
See you soon...Love Parool.
Thursday, November 10, 2005 9:00:00 AM
Hi Laura,
I'm thinking of you and Judy, loving you both, and visualizing your cancer somewhere else.
I will check in again soon.
Love,
David
Friday, November 11, 2005 5:03:00 PM
Hi Laura,
You've been with us in so many ways this week. We've been busy activating BG players all over the conference, and setting some incredible actions in place to play even bigger in IBM in 2006. I thought of you this morning after the keynote - Riane Eisler. What an amazing woman, and a bigger game. Really, I think she helped me get clarity on the paradigm shift we all as coaches are helping to create. And I thought of you and all the founding members - the incredible power you have unleashed in all of us.
Hoping you are living well, and loving well.
Melissa
Saturday, November 12, 2005 6:30:00 PM
Laura, I have this hope that you might surprise us and be at the Gala tonight... I wonder...
I just read your last post. There is a huge bigger game to be played here, and your compelling purpose still applies - They just don't know how, and we can do something about that. And you know what, you don't have to do it alone, or without tools. You were a founder of this coaching profession, which is actually evolving into a transformational leadership profession. The Bigger Game is out there, to inform us and help us find each other, and sustain each other and ourselves and the gain. The contribution you have already made will help drive the changes, the paradigm shift, the evolution of this planet.
So thank you for going into the belly of the healthcare field, and helping to see "what is". And we know that it must change. There was a group in Virginia Kellogg's session today - Coaches Alliance for Social Action - that were ignited with incredible passion to change this space! It will happen.
Off to the Gala now - hoping for the continuation of an inspirational week.
Lotsa love back at you,
Melissa
Saturday, November 12, 2005 7:02:00 PM
marcy burson said...
Hi Laura,
A friend referred me to your site - I was diagnosed with inoperable Thymus cancer 3 weeks ago - I can of course relate well to your writings and appreciate all you are doing to live well - I would like to share with you an alternative approach I have come to know. It is spring Forest Qigong - founded by Master Chunyi Lin The website is www.springforestqigong.com or www.bornahealer.com I wish you continued blessings on your journey. love and peace, marcy burson
5:22 PM
Anonymous said...
Dear Laura, Thanks so much for the recent update, especially your comments about "box-ness". Very helpful stuff! And omigosh navigating the medical world. It's amazing they leave it to people with challenges to do that! You are brave, woman! I honor you and Jude for taking on the challenge and teaching us how to do it. Bravo.
Have a delicious thanksgiving, both you and Jude, and I hope to see you again soon. Be WELL!!!
Lots of love and hugs, Joanie
12:27 AM
Friday, November 18, 2005 7:02:00 AM
Dear Laura,
I love reading your updates and feel so connected to you - what a blessing - I especially loved experiencing with you your appreciaiton of autumn in Sebastapol - I too have been so enchanted with nature this fall... I pray that you have good news next week regarding your tests...Thank you for sharing yourself so openly and honestly - you are such an inspiration.
Much love to you,
Mary
Friday, November 18, 2005 8:37:00 AM
I see how much you still enjoy your work in the midst of all that is going on, and I love you more.
I can see you taking full responsibility for your health and wellbeing, not an easy ride - and I fully understand the need to.
I see too you enjoying the vibrant colours of Autumn and home, and I smile at your appreciation and love of the world.
And I know being scared can be a lonely place. Please know that there are many of us along side supporting and loving you at every turn.
Much love
Linda
Monday, November 21, 2005 4:39:00 PM
Laura
i just got back from the icf conference and i had no idea you were unwell. i saw the flipchart in the conference area and it was only when i was in the shuttle going to SF that i met 2 coaches, our paths had not crossed before this that i learnt about your cancer.
thank you for sharing your honesty your fears and hopes. thank you for challenging yourself and stress. how easy it is to be a coach and on the outside and to clients look good seem fine and yet be suffering from stress (I speak for myself here!)
i went to the icf conference with the intention of being really open, and learning my new direction, and praying for the courage to carry out the messages i get.
too many co-incidences and too many messages for me to ignore, carrying my messages of hope whilst taking care of myself.
i have wanted to write a book about the emotional parts of dealing with debt to do that honestly i need to share my own story to not worry about how others will judge me and to know i will get the love and support i need, i know i have that now.
last year my very dear friend lost her daughter aged 3 to a malignant brain tumour. i have no answers as to why she got sick all i know is that she touched my life deeply. i have been involved in setting up a charity in the UK Clowns in the Sky to bring some fun into the lives with kids who have cancer. it is easy not to laugh, yet we have brought magic to kids, with specially trained clowns. we have also just organised for mobile activity toy boxes to go into hospitals so kids and their parents can have some fun doing all sorts of activities together when the playroom shuts in the evenings and at weekends.
thank you for the gifts that you continue to bring to the community you are an inspiration, sending you prayers and the courage to face whatever you face each day.
with love
Carolyn
10:46 AM
Sunday, November 27, 2005 4:10:00 PM
Laura,
"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary." by ALBERT SCHWEITZ
What I appreicate about you Larua is your honesty and vulnerability during this improtant time in your life. What I also appreicate about you is the way you are giving of youself to so many of us during this time. You have enhanced my life as I read your thoughts and the thoughts and feelings of others. What a a fabulous community we have. What I also appreciate about you Laura is your life force, you are a beacon to me and you call me forth into the world to show up fully alive and to live FULL OUT. What I appreciate about you is the way you LOVE.. it shows up everywhere these days, in your sharing of the path you are on, including all of us in your most intimate thoughts, I feel your love as I read your passages as I hear you talk about the beauty you are seeing and experiencing in the world and also feel your love in your pain and anger. It is RICH. Thank you Laura for all that you do for me and know that You are loved by me and there is a piece of my HEART that has your name on it.
Voltaire: Appreciation Quotes
Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.
Mother Teresa
There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.
Seneca: Quotes on Appreciation
Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.
In Deep Appreciation and Gratitude for Who You are Dear Laura,
Shekinah
10:56 AM
Sunday, November 27, 2005 4:11:00 PM
Dear Laura,
I've been reading your blog from your initial invitation - I love this style of writing: wondering, pondering, querying? It is so inspirational.
As others have written, I too, love reading about the changing seasons in Sebastopol. And here's a picture of what is happening on the Front Range: we had warm weather for nearly a week, and I renewed my walking program after being laid low for several days by a virus. One of my favorite places to walk is on a mesa near my home. Praire grasses waving, prairie dogs scampering, and on the horizon, those amazing Boulder Flatirons and the peaks of the Front Range soaring right into the blue skies. My heart right along with them.
The weather turned colder overnight; a 30% chance of snow that didn't materialize - although it was cloudier. I spent the morning on my laptop PLANNING (!)strategies and tactics and Bold Actions for my new/old BG, which is hungering for a name.
Mid-afternoon, I went to the mesa, bundled up in fleece and gloves. It was quite windy, but the sun had come from behind the clouds - and the briskness of the wind seemed to invigorate me. Can you feel it?
I'm looking forward to partipating in the Leading from Wisdom workshop with White Eagle, John V. and Burke this weekend, and anticipating some lightbulb moments of my own.
Loving you always, and holding you in my heart.
Moira
Sunday, November 27, 2005 7:20:00 PM
My Dear Laura and Judy:
I see that the news is not all good and the blogging, the sharing, the writing, the story, the revealing, and the vulnerability is big, huge, good, and tender. I don't know what to say or to do or to feel.
Laura, I am glad that you have the joy of working through a leadership program righ now. I am glad that you have your beautiful home and the neighborhood cat to miss. I am glad that you have Judy and you have each other and you have a community that is listening and wondering and caring for you.
And, I don't know what to say. I see you write about a "death sentence" from western medicine and that sounds so heavy and final and I cannot imagine. And I see that you are still searching and looking and researching and I would be doing the same.
I wish it was easier for you two and you would have the perfect course of treatment etc. I feel like wanting that is more realistic than wanting the "cure." It doesn't seem too much to wish for the correct information, in a timely way, in a way that everyone can understand and make an informed decision. I feel like it if was me, and it is not, I would just want the power, authority, and choice right now of having the best, right, information.
So excuse me if my compassion got the best of me but I want things to be more gentle, clear, informed, and empowering for the both of you.
I am thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing for you both.
Many blessings,
Lora
Sunday, November 27, 2005 7:29:00 PM
11/27/05 10:00 EST
Hi Laura, and all who might be reading these notes and wondering if they should post a note... From a voice of experience - the answer is ABSOLUTELY YES! Please post here, often, with reverence, irreverence, humor, passion, whatever you've got! I call ye forth!!!
Now let me tell you why I say this so fervently... My husband Dan was diagnosed with stage 4 CLL/SLL (leukemia and lymphoma) in January 2003. He went through treatment throughout 2003, with many setbacks along the way, and we knew by July 2003 that his "best chance at living an extended life" was a stem cell transplant. We continued on the traditional path, for the most part, as Leukemia is one of the cancers that does show longer term suvival with chemotherapy. Our story is long, and Dan is still here to tell about it. Now - let me get to my original point. We started a similar website in September of 2003, before the transplant, on caringbridge.org. This website, and the guestbook - most of all! - sustained us, connected us, entertained us, fed us, and provided an incredible outlet for us as well. And here is why - people posted frequently - about almost anything.
I want so much for us to be the threads in the blanket that hugs Laura throughout this process. Our prayers, and positive energy, and other ways of reaching out and touching are all wonderful too...
Our website had a "counter", so we knew how many "hits" we were getting every day. This felt good. When Dan was in the heat of the battle, we posted daily - whether we had any news or not! And if we did not post, we started getting phone calls... Is everything okay??
So if you don't know what to say, tell a story - a survivor story, or a funny story, or an experience with alternative approaches, or who you think should win the $1M on Survivor (I am still rooting for Stephanie). Or who is you would prefer to see other than "The Donald" hosting "The Apprentice" (almost anyone with a high EQ - in my opinion). Get the idea? And Laura, are you okay with that? Do you want some company here?
Laura, I think it sucks that you continue to face this aggressive ravaging monster. I admire your decision process and your self-integrity to follow your head and heart - which says no chemo right now. And I want us all to dance with you, in the moment, in this space, for as many moments as possible - until you are healed and ready to retire this site.
My love to you, and to all your wonderful friends out here! Come forth and dance!
Melissa
Sunday, November 27, 2005 7:38:00 PM
I can't help but cry when I read your news, should I stop, but I can't the tears just keep coming.
Laura Whitworth you break the mould at every level, and these last few months define who you are and who I have always seen.
We previously spoke about phoenix and ashes and I see that here.
Live well, live strong.
love Linda xx
Monday, November 28, 2005 3:32:00 AM
Laura:
There are miracles that happen every day. Why should you not make yourself available for that to happen to you? Please, please keep the fight going. I'm sure you've heard the story about the three people almost ready to drown and one after another refused the help that came down from "heaven". When they got up to heaven, God told them that he had sent them help but they were not open to it.
Love, Pauline
Monday, November 28, 2005 5:22:00 AM
Dear Laura,
What a week you had last week…I’m sorry to hear about Kozy, and really sad to hear your latest medical news.
Here’s some info you may already have, and just in case you don’t….
One of the keynote speakers at the ICF Conference this year, Rachel Naomi Remen, does healing retreats with people who have cancer at Commonweal in Bolinas. Her healing work is on many levels. The website is www.commonweal.org if you’re interested.
I found Remen's book, Kitchen Table Stories, moving in so many ways. I just finished it last night, and thought of you many times as I was reading. That’s actually what had me check in with you here today.
My wish for you is that you find what is most healing for you and have it unfold for you with ease.
Lots of love, Hope
hplcoach@earthlink.net
Monday, November 28, 2005 5:09:00 PM
Laura - -
Checking in to let you know how touched I am by your tenacity and courage in the face of confounding challenges, your piercing candor, your tough and tender fighting spirit, your passion for life and ALIVENESS, and the way that you continue to burn with a flame that is more brilliant and more fierce than any I've seen. No matter what this roller coaster life sends your way.We are sending you much love and healing prayer from upstate New York, and are grateful beyond words for the gift that you are and have been in oh so many lives. And when you wake up alone in the night, know that there are many more thoughts of love and people warmed or ignited by your flame than you can possibly count. Thinking of you and loving you - -
Heather
Monday, November 28, 2005 9:26:00 PM
Laura - As I read this, my two and a half year old, who has now been tucked into bed three times, is clomping down the hallway with my shoes on, her father's huge backpack, wearing her snow hat though it was 70 degrees today. I see now the problem of the planet is one of distribution. I am working hard to find a way to bottle the unrelenting LIFE down the hall and send it to you in California. I would be more sane, and you could power yourself for at least six months with no additional effort whatsoever. It's not the cure, but I offer it to you with all I have.
Thanks Melissa, for the permission to be whatever I/we are in the moment. It helped.
Much love,
Holly, Joseph, and the little sparkplug, Olivia
Monday, November 28, 2005 11:53:00 PM
Susan V. said...
Hi Laura, I'm not sure what to write after reading your most recent posting. I know you to be a fighter -- perhaps that is what drew me to you in the first place. I am fighting for you in the only way I know how -- that is prayer. So every day I ask God to send you healing, whatever that means and in whatever form. I can only trust in God's work and ways, and then offer my love and thoughts to you so you know that you are not alone in this. And I am very saddened to hear about Cozy. I know what a wonderful companion she was to you and Judy...Love, Susan
8:20 PM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 7:37:00 AM
Ilene said...
Laura:
I am struck by your journey. Details I did not know. It is different from my journey. I have said to Nick I am lucky to not have a disease that requires so much work and decisions. While I have not taken it lieing down, my friend Jen says I am the warrior brought to her knees still fighting and swinging, I have moved into a very peaceful place. I know there is so much more than who I am in this body. I mastered being in this body, one need only look at video of me on the high ropes in Leadership. Now my job is to master being here and being more than that. To allow this part of my path to unfold.
I told Margarita just yesterday, it is like life is giving me the opportunity to be a sort of "sea anemone." Not resenting that I can't walk, or swim, meerly being, allowing the current of life to carress me. Opening and closing as need be.
I also think that I once had an existance as a tree person. A strong preparation for being OK with things around me, many life forms living in and around me. Connecting with my community through a system of underground roots and energy. In any case, it is wild to be so intune now and listen for what the universe shares. If only I can stop questioning and judging and know the universe does support me completely on my path. My path just looks different than I ever thought made sense. It is my small mind and my huge Ego that think they know what is "the way." I am beginning to think there may be bigger work and other things that are far bigger than my humanness can fathom. My soul knows so much more. But hey, this earth experience is about the blend between human and soul. I still have free will and my will is to continue to explore even with increased physical limitations. So on I go, noticing that with less movement, I don't have less freedom, just a different freedom to let go of the driving need to do and prove and accomplish. I have started writing. And even as it documents my experience I must be careful not to make it a new "have to" or another way to prove my worth. I am truly in a process of letting go and still staying engaged. Of doing less and yet being more, of controlling less and living bigger.
The ALS bracelet I wear on my wrist is red. It does not tell me to live strong, which I try to do, it tells me, "never give up." I like that. To Never give up. The question is what should I never give up? I choose to never give up love and gentleness and creatively dancing with what life has brought me. And like you Laura, it means not giving up me, so I am not always gentle and easy and sometimes a bit cranky and bitchy and it just challenges me to keep looking at who I am and who I am becoming. And I know that in spite of my physical losses, I am not becoming weak or disabled or challenged. I grow stronger in my knowledge of who I am and what life on this plane is about. I continue to become more peaceful, more conscious of so much more than this ego self and what really matters to me. I continue to become more open to other ways of seeing, hearing and being.
I love you Laura. I love reading about your journey and your battle. I am in awe at the differences and the sameness. I am in wonder at how we continue to give and teach even by going through and sharing processes that at first glance seem horrible and tragic.
The other day I was speaking with a woman at the bank and finally got frustrated with all the red tape and I blurted out, "I have a horrible and fatal disease."
I may have a fatal disease, it isn't horrible. It is a way to learn and cherish and experience parts of myself and life I never thought available to me.
I love you Laura and I thank you for nudging me back to your blog.
I send you love, hope and respect for your willingness to bare open your heart for others to learn, share and wander in and out of.
I send you love, hope and respect for you just being.
I love you,
Ilene K
10:46 PM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 7:38:00 AM
Janet from Denmark said...
Hi Laura
I send you strength and love to cope with your challenging journey. You have inspired me so much (it might be called coaching), but it is also living. Thank you so much for all you have given.
7:13 AM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 7:39:00 AM
Laura,
To see you & Judy, celebrate life with you both on Thanksgiving at Glide, sitting in the same row, one seat away, seemingly by chance-- my partner (a double Libra) "chose" the seat while I was parking -- was/is an affirmation of life, when we are in tune with the life force; the source that lives and creates us & moves us & guides us ... & to which we return. The Great Mother in her invisible form. She gives birth to the world and all life forms.
I was so happy to see you so happy, despite the prognosis you received the day before. As I write, I picture you rocking out with the great band and singers and celebrators saying YES< YES > YES!!! to life.
Now you are facing valiantly by living well life's underbelly/shadow that stalks us all. Know that this too can be a celebration for saints, like you dear one; you lived and led many campfires. All the consciousness that you have developped will stand you well here.
May this stage of your journey, like earlier ones, benefit others.
I hold you in my prayers.
With much love & admiration,
Robert
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 9:00:00 AM
Hi Laura,
Just a quick note to say I am here. I am reading and thinking of you and working hard to live strong for you, with you. Sorry to hear about Kozy. We missed you in Berkeley a few weeks back, but know we'll see you soon. Case and I look forward to it. Perhaps at Glide where we can take in the power of unity, prayer and community. Much love love love to you & Jude...Jenn xoxoxoxox
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:52:00 AM
Hey Babe, I'm having trouble concentrating today. Marketing, schmarketing. I would rather be in your living room by the fire, watching movies with you and Judy. My new kittens have changed everything, and that is probably good. It was after our call last night when I was feeling so sad that these intuitive creatures finally came over and draped themselves around me. Then I started my day with the sounds of kittens romping at the crack of dawn. Finally the softies joined me in bed snuggled in the down comforter as we continued our bonding. They will help me keep my heart open as you and I and all of your friends journey down this rather scarey path together. Love, Breeze
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 12:29:00 PM
Hey there, Laura - -
We're dancing with you...Thank you for sharing The Dance today and for showing us how to dance on so many differnet levels. Sending love rays from unseasonably balmy upstate NY - -
Heather
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 7:54:00 PM
11/30 11:25 am est
Laura, it was wonderful to talk with you last night, on bigger games at IBM, and your current bigger game, and the investment and bold actions you are taking. I know there is something to these "alternative" approaches. "Miracles" do happen. Our bodies can heal themselves is we can just figure out how to create that environment to allow healing. Keep up your search and please share some of your findings with us (good and bad). We may need this knowledge and insight personally now or in the future.
Three out of every 4 American families will have at least one family member diagnosed with cancer. There are an estimated 9.8 million cancer survivors (defined as someone diagnosed with cancer that is still alive!). Approximately 1.4 million Americans will be diagnosed in 2005. There is a large hunger for understanding, hope and inspiration in the marketplace that is fueled every day when thousands of people are diagnosed, and it ripples out into their network of friends and family. 39% of cancer survivors are under the age of 65. Those over the age of 65 will typically have caregivers that are younger.
We need to find better ways to pool our knowledge and experience. This blog is a wonderful forum for sharing, and learning, and caring.
And Laura, you've got me researching again! So, I forgot to mention another resource last night that supports much of the diet related changes you are making. It's called "The China Project" - http://www.nutrition.cornell.edu/ChinaProject/.
I also found this interesting article on the web http://www.thebodytherapycenter.com/drg.htm about Dr. William Donald Kelley, whose approaches you are looking at.
My love to you, as you live well,
Melissa
Wednesday, November 30, 2005 8:25:00 AM
Laura - I've been reading your entries regularly since the beginning and please know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. You have contributed so much to my life since the very first time I met you at IBM. Your training and leadership have changed my life and my approach to life and, thus, impacted the lives of so many people with whom I come in contact. Please know that your life has been like the proverbial pebble thrown in the water - it has radiated love, energy, understanding, tolerance, kindness, passion, and so many other wonderful actions. As I read your last entry, I was struck by your comment on wanting to do more than just delay the inevitable. Although death and transition into the next life is inevitable for all of us, you have the advantage of knowing your enemy. Sometimes you dance with it, sometimes you kick it in the head, and sometimes it may feel that it kicks you in the head. Regardless, Laura, know that you will win the war. Cancer may be fighting hard to win some battles but you WILL win the war...the war to live life on your terms, the war to suck every ounce of energy and love that life has to offer, the war to make decisions on how to stay and how to go. You will win, Laura, regardless of the outcome because what you have created with your life and in your life is so much bigger than Cancer. I love you so much and will continue to send positive healing energy your way!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005 1:40:00 PM
HI Laura _ zoe again channelling CTI UK - ok well not really as they are all here with me - and we wanted to say hello and send you our love - Andy says 'imagine seeing our smiling faces as we imagine smiling at yours' - Martyn says he can actually picture you in that fantastic energy in the glide church because he spent part of easter sunday there joining the celebration this year and then he went on to the hunky jesus competition in some park near the castro - oh well no surprise there then he's as camp as a row of tents!!! Ben doesn't know what to say as he doesn't know you but he wishes you well - he says that because he has a stiff thick upper lip - how very f**king british boring - and as for little 'ol me - a big kiss for you and yours xx
Thursday, December 01, 2005 8:14:00 AM
Laura,
I have been following your blog and have been at a loss of what to say to you...What I feel when I read your latest entries is hard to describe...of course deep sadness for what you are going through, but also such deep respect and awe for the manner in which you choose to live your life. I think for me that is the message that most resonates with me..That no matter what the circumstances life may throw at us, we ALWAYS have choices. That actually feels good to not just hear those words, but to know what they mean. I remember you and Rick leading our IBM coaching classes and one of you explaining that all of us always have options with our life. I truly get that now and I want you to know how much you continue to teach so many of us just by how you 'be!" Thank you for sharing your life so honestly and so beautifully. You continue to be in my prayers and in my heart.
With love, respect and lots of positive thoughts and prayers,
Stacy Gorin
Thursday, December 01, 2005 11:52:00 AM
Laura, how very frustrating! I can't begin to imagine how angry and sad and betrayed you might feel. He not only stepped on your values, but potentially further endangered your health!
I am sorry this happened, and I am glad you shared this here. I understand the "pause" before sharing the darker side. I often "paused" before sharing some of our most challenging moments in Dan's battle. Usually I ended up sharing, usually... I was conscious of the Law of Attraction, and being intentional, while at the sametime being authentic. Will it serve us to share this? Will it serve them? I didn't know so much about bigger game then, but realize in retrospect that we were playing bigger - bigger than survival. We wanted to thrive, and learn, and share what we learned, and help others to stay connected to us when what seemed like the unimaginable was happening.
And of course, you are playing bigger, with the highest stakes that I can fathom in this earthly human state. So every step of the way, you help us see the barriers, the openings, the frustration, the hope, the choices. You continue to teach us and lead us, as you lead your own way through.
I hope our love is what is reflected back most often.
Sleep tight,
Melissa
Saturday, December 03, 2005 2:16:00 AM
Laura, I'm sitting here on a snowy morning in CT, thinking of you, praying for you, and inspired by you and your path. I'm reminded again in our fast paced days and that life is truly a gift to be treasured every minute...
you, your stories, and this community are helping me realize that at a different level now.
After speaking with you last week, I am in a different place....and I'm grateful for the gift of you at this moment on the planet. Your voice whispers in my ear, and from this blog, it seems your voice is whispering in lots of places with lots of people..you are such a part of so many spirits here on earth...wow. Laura,
wishing you an amazing day today and thank you.
.....I'm with you always and forever. Peg
Sunday, December 04, 2005 7:29:00 AM
Hello Laura,
Every day when I am at mass, I lift you up to the LORD who I am sure will heal you. For it is said in Mark 11:22.24 "Have faith in God.. whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I sincerely pray and therefore believe that HE will heal you. You have touched so many people's lives with your work. Of course, you have touched my life and YOU WILL LIVE to go on touching more and more people lives. Anna Leong, Singapore.
Sunday, December 04, 2005 5:57:00 PM
Hi Laura,
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings on your journey.
We wish you blessings beyond measure!
Love to you and Judy,
David & Anita
Sunday, December 04, 2005 9:05:00 PM
Dear Laura:
Please know that I'm here, reading, following your story, following your living strong, living stronger myself from having many of my lightbulbs switched to "on" because of you. I'm directing this new light in the world to you. Thank you and bless you. You'll soon have my "report" on my 5 tasks from R3 in your Inbox. I'm almost complete...teeth and claws, in service of, work quite well. XO Jeanne C
Tuesday, December 06, 2005 4:02:00 AM
Laura, I'm sending all my positive energy your way, crossing all my fingers and all my toes, even my eyes, to get you over the hump and back on the road to recovery. You've contributed so much to this world and I just know you're not done yet. Keep the faith; there's an entire coaching world rooting for you! Much love, Glenda Daggert
Tuesday, December 06, 2005 8:36:00 AM
Hi Laura,
There is so much magic in the mountains. We are there with you on the path every breath of the way. Sending you love and the Brightest December Light ever....
ox
Laura H.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005 11:20:00 AM
Hey sweetie, long time no hear from me. Sorry for that. I just read most of your blog. I was accompanied on my journey through these last months of your life by sadness, tears running down my face, curiosity, hope, anger. So much as always. But more than any of those feelings, is the deeper feeling of profound respect I have for you.
Oh my god, holy cow, batman--AWE.
Not just for you on your way through this process and this path. Though, of course that.
But for the you you have always been in many ways and in so many moments to so many people: Courageous, truthful, vulnerable, determined, present. Love embodied in fire and intelligence.
The thoughts that come and go: This should not be happening to one so bright, so brilliant. She should not have to be spending her time studying this, learning this, finding her way through the medical mysteries and the medical bureaucracy. Don't they know who she is? Doesn't this illness know who it's dealing with? She should be treated like the President, Air Force One should come and pick her up for her next appt. But illness, I am reminded again by your blog, doesn't have much respect.
I know you are always curious to know your impact. And so I want you to know that from me today.
Just today, talking to a client about how you know as a leader how much to communicate, where to start and stop and when is less more and when is less less? When is it that saying less is just you keeping yourself away from the community that needs to know you and a community that in knowing you learns more about itself? I immediately had such a clear image of you at the MotherTree during a leadership retreat--how you would smile and charm people into being curious about something with you. How you could run the gamut, pull out the stops, do whatever to create the impact that had people pay attention to what you, yes you, wanted them to pay attention to. For their own good of course, but also because it was what you were interested in that year, or that day. And how your enticing them to be interested in it all with you was not something selfish. What you taught me by your being and in your determination (your vulnerable determination--I know it doesn't always look vulnerable to anyone else) is that your curiosity is deeply connected to my learning and it matters.
I want you to know too how much I feel you as a presence in my world, however distant that world is physically from the day to day comings and goings of yours. Reading what you wrote about spiritism it occurs to me that a way to speak of you in my world is that you already are a disembodied spirit in my world. Judging from your blog, your spirit in my world is fully active and fully on purpose. Already. Has been. Will be. And nothing can change that or take it away or diminish it.
Your presence is something I have felt and can still feel as guide and support for BEING HERE NOW, for being out of the box, for being in service, for being really good at what you do, for mastery. For practice. And for Excellence! For being disruptive if that's what it takes and for being dogged and being a pain in the ass even. For doing it wrong (unskillfully) if that's the only way you can possibly do it, and not letting even that stop you.
I am in awe of the path you have already traveled, so bravely and so well, and the path you will travel ahead. I would not wish your pain on anyone, no matter what they had done or not done. What you are facing would scare the crap out of me. And thank you for sharing that it scares the crap out of you sometimes too.
I am saying a prayer now and lighting a candle for the health of your immune system, for the power of the Kelly enzyme therapy, for the wisdom of your Dr's, for Judy's health and wellbeing. For good humor and laughter, for the wisdom to know what to do and what not to do. For the Dr's to get a move on. For the pain to ease and for the rest to be restful. For your meadow and your sky to nurture and nourish you.
From my heart, body and mind, with love
-jen
Tuesday, December 06, 2005 2:18:00 PM
Hi Laura, It was so good to hear your voice last week as we talked about the Bigger Game. I wonder if others have shared with you how lyrical your voice is. I find as I read your comments, its as though you are reading them to me. I like that connection. The reflections you are sharing about your journey help me in mine. I feel as though we are in a big place together (with lots and lots of other gentle souls). Now THAT'S quality of life. Love you, babe and remember you in my prayers every day. Sara
Wednesday, December 07, 2005 5:31:00 AM
Hey Laura; I posted my last comment on the music blog, so maybe one of these days I'll get used to this new fangled thing call a lap-dog, lap-stop, or maybe a lap-top. (Lame, huh?). I'll make this short, being that the soul of wit is brevity: so-o-o-o
"I order you to be Happy!" The penalty for disobedience: Unhappiness.
Love and stuff. Carver
Saturday, December 10, 2005 11:53:00 AM
Hi Laura, Checking in again for an update from you, wondering where you are now... I know things continue to evolve, so perhaps it feels premature to post on "what's next"... And I wonder...
What amazing strength it takes to handle all that you are handling... I hope you continue to spend time on things that energize and feed your spirit every single day. I found a thought provoking on-line (and "real") magazine that you probably already know about - a magazine called "?what is enlightenment". Thanks Sam H. for pointing.
Here's what I am "musing" on these days(in the "how can we evolve the world" space) - corporate social innovation. Let's harness and "re-envision" the role of the corporation... so I had to get up at 6:00 am and do some more exploring, and blogging on this topic. For me, blogging is thinking out loud, reflecting, formulating, and sharing, and hopefully activating something in others! I'd love to hear what others have to say on this topic, and also on the magazine...
Laura, I degress away from your medical challenges, because I know you continue to be way more than that, as much as they must take an inordinate amount of your time, focus and energy right now. I know the vision you hold for the future of the world, and I am compelled to keep working toward this "bigger and bigger" game play - intentional evolution. Because of what you have enabled, facilitated, led, touched, intuited, trusted, and more - because of your contributions, intentional evolution (change, innovation) is happening at a faster pace in more places by more people. And I can never thank you enough, or partner with you enough to take this to the next level. So thank you, thank you.
I am trusting the universe to provide you with all the options and pathways that you need for you. I am not sad (except when I am). I am hopeful, and I am inspired, and I am learning, as I witness your incredible journey.
Please share as much as you can, we so appreciate that intimacy on our end. It's an incredible gift. And you know about the law of attraction - and how much more you will get back...
Much love, hugs, and healing energy,
Melissa
Saturday, December 10, 2005 8:36:00 PM
Dear Laua,
LOVE. Word of the day. All you are is LOVE. All I am is LOVE. All we are is LOVE. You are Loved. I am loved. We are loved. I love you. Today, that's all that makes complete sense to me.
Your blog is my homepage, so each day when I access the internet, you are what I think of first. I send you love, light, healing and then more love. I look at the number of comments you've left, and each time I see the number has grown, I eagerly read what you've written. It impacts what I choose and how I am living my life. Thank you for living WELL and sharing the journey with us. Giving to us and Receiving from us. LOVE.
So... given what a part of my everyday YOU are, I thought it time I let you know that. Sometimes I forget to tell people how much I think of them and how much I care about them. Not a practice I'm proud of. You are more present in my thoughts than most any other these days because of this wonderful structure I've created from the wonderful blog your loved ones have created. Go team!!
Thinking of you. Loving you. Embracing you.
xoxoxoxx,
Helen House
Sunday, December 11, 2005 7:58:00 AM
"Love After Love"
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit.
Author - Derek Walcott
Sunday, December 11, 2005 6:01:00 PM
Laura and Judy, what a wonderful Sunday we had, let' experience more of this. And for those of you reading . . . give yourself the gift of a Sunday of soul, music and preaching at Glide Memorial. It was uplifting, chi moving, honest, calling. Certainly one great way to experience praising God, gratitude, acceptance. Then a life-giving lunch at the Gratitude Cafe (in SF at Harrison and 20th and on 9th between Irving and Judah). I truly was surprised, happily so, at how really really really delicious this live, vegan, raw cuisine was.
I am catching up on the Blog tonight kittens at my feet. Amazing how the minute the tears start to come at the wonderful warm comments of love and support, here come the kittens up to the computer to rub their faces on my hands. It doesn't help me to stop the tears, but then that's why I adopted them. To keep me broken open, vulnerable, accessible to you and Judy during our journey together.
I kept thinking "excellent" as I read the latest entries, all these loving folks see you as I do. And I wish for them that they also experience you as the sweet child, the one bebopping next to me as the Glide choir sang "joyful, joyful we adore thee, God of glory, Lord of love . . .".
I wish everyone could see how beautiful you look as a result of the changes - dramatic - that you made in your diet and exercise in order to reverse this disease. We should get some new pics up.
I'm looking foward to all the ways we will celebrate Christmas and New Years together just as I cherish the memories of all the holidays preceeding this.
Who are you in my life that your invitation has always been to break me open, heal me as I grow, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. . .
Sunday, December 11, 2005 6:26:00 PM
Laura:
Don't have many words, except that I'm thinking about you and the new adventures you're involved in.
Love, Pauline Lally
Monday, December 12, 2005 7:18:00 AM
Laura - Death and the next life is such a hard thing for us to talk about, and that's a shame. Earlier this year when my daddy, King of my Heart, was ailing in the hospital and we knew he wasn't going to make it, we still pretended (maybe hoped for a miracle?) that he would make it. And I wish that we had spoken of his next life and that I could have invited him to visit me in my dreams often and to say Hello to all my uncles and aunts and grandparents who preceded us into the afterlife. And we didn't say the words because we felt we had to keep telling him that all would be well, that he had many years ahead of him. And since he couldn't speak (trach) with us, he couldn't tell us to "get real." I think that if he could have, he would have told us to "get real" and would have invited some meaningful dialogue about what what was happening with him and with us. It would have been wonderful to have more meaningful conversations with him before he left this world. And so, Laura, I want to thank you for starting to point us to the "what ifs..." What if the treatments don't work? What if you only have hours, weeks, months (as you put it)? What if we are left to deal with your dreams and ambitions without your physical presence? There's alot there, and I welcome the dialogue. Only you can point us (your loyal followers :-)) to the next spot where you want us to be with you, with your life and with your work. I read something the other day and it reminded me of you. It said, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world had ended, it became a butterfly." I can only imagine what you are experiencing and suspect that every day seems a little bit like the end of the world is near. And I feel the need to mention that regardless of the outcome, you are becoming a butterfly. You will soar again, in this world or the next. And we will feel the flutter of your wings and cheer for your ascent and exaltation.
I love you, Maria Garza-Lennon
Monday, December 12, 2005 10:18:00 AM
Well, Dear Laura:
I couldn't sleep. I went to the internet to look something up. I can't remember what. '24' was the new number... what?... a post so soon? And so I read your latest. I write again just to pass on the assurance that the people who love you don't sign up for your blog to be fed by you and constantly inspired by the pretty bits of discovery through healing... we sign up because we're your partners in healing... in truth... in discovery... in curiosity... in what's raw... in what's now... in what you're experiencing... and in co-creating what's possible. Those who are here just for the pretty bits can wait... or move on. The rest of us will catch ALL the bits. "Spotter ready?" "READY!" "Falling"..... "Fall ON!" You are held and loved... caught and held again... Loved and loved again! Thanks for sharing what's real and imagined.
Loving you (AND Judy!!),
Helen
Monday, December 12, 2005 8:54:00 PM
Hello dear:
Finally figured out how to post.
Just read your recent posting. I'm so glad that you are using the blog in this way, Laura. Know that you are heard, and held and loved.
Big hugs,
Karen
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 8:30:00 AM
Dear Laura; Brevity being the soul of wit; or the witless: "I ORDER YOU TO BE HAPPY!" THE PENALTY? UNHAPPINESS. Love and stuff; Carver the deranged.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 9:10:00 AM
Hi Laura,
We have just read your last two posts together and talked for a few minutes here in the office trying to put ourselves in your place and feel what you must be feeling. Our hearts go out to you and Judy and enfold you both with the only antidote to fear..our love.
Harper and David
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 10:32:00 AM
Hello, Sweet Laura. So long since I've visited here. And, can you believe it, I just realized there was a place where YOU were writing and I could read your words and feel connected to you. I am so sorry (and slightly embarrassed but oh well..)not to have seen that earlier.
Now with all that intro...I've nothing so profound to say. And am wanting to "stand up quietly and dance with you."
I love you. I am grateful for you in my life...my life which has been transformed by the work you have created and by the learnings and insights I've had from you and because of you.
Two weeks ago I was in Israel...in the old city of Jerusalem. And I left a prayer for you at the wailing wall. And another at the final stations of the cross. I'm not sure that I'm Jewish OR Christian. But I love you and was called to cover as many bases as I could, "since I was in the neighborhood."
I was in the neighborhood, by the way, because there are people there who are hungry and eager for the work you created.
So...enough for now. I know you're off to Mexico and I'm sending love along on the journey with you...and with Judy.
Hugs,
Elaine
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 7:50:00 PM
Beautiful (and bold) Laura,
Yay to Mexico!! Yay to Joseph!! Yay to all the bits you love about him and his assistant. And Yay that you have someone tending to you as you deserve.
Years ago, Retreat 4 of the Cups and Wands at Westerbeke, you declared your theme for the year. You inspired us with it, and your declaration was carried by each of us to inspire others as appropriate (or not!). You declared in 1998:
I get to want what I want.
(I just get to. plain and simple...)
I get to ask for what I want.
(because I just get to. plain and simple...)
And, I'm willing to negotiate the difference.
What I love is how the only negotiating that you're doing now is as you discover what's the difference between what you think you want (limited by what you know is available to want) and what the bigger wanting is for you. I hear you demanding. Taking a stand for LIFE. And I hear that as you want, ask and demand, new doors open up that offer things to want you didn't know you could. That's worth negotiating. Though that sounds convoluted, I imagine you get it.
Since I was deeply inspired by your David Whyte poem, I send one back at you. Forgive any sexist language that may emerge from Daniel Ladinsky's translation of Hafiz's poem. He's as likely to refer to God as the Camel as he is to refer to God as Him. Either way, I vote for you too:
I VOTE FOR YOU FOR GOD
When your eyes have found the strength
To constantly speak to the world
All that is most dear
To your own
Life,
When your hands, feet, and tongue
Can perform in that rare unison
That comforts this longing earth
With the knowledge
Your soul,
Your soul has been groomed
In His city of love;
And when you can make others laugh
With jokes
That belittle no one
And your words always unite,
Hafiz
Does vote for you.
Hafiz will vote for you to be
the minister of every country in
This universe.
Hafiz does vote for you my dear.
I vote for you
To be
God.
(from The Gift...Poems by Hafiz, the great Sufi master)
Seems this is a season that celebrates miracles and defies logic. May Christmas in Mexico bring magic to this healing journey. And may you keep wanting, asking, demanding where necessary and negotiating where your vision was limited.
Bon Voyage!!
Helen
Wednesday, December 14, 2005 9:18:00 AM
12/14/05
Hello Divine Ms. Laura,
I just sit here and shake my head and let the tears flow and be in awe and fear of all you are doing and the decisions that must be made. I cannot imagine the 'one moment at a time' life you are now leading.
'CRAP' that this is in your life. 'CRAP' that so much of your enegery is taken up in researching and more researching instead of focusing on healing. 'CRAP' that you must be faced in this way with your own mortality. 'CRAP' that there is not more kindness in the world and 'YAY' to hurrying up and being in action. 'YAY' to wonderful Isha as your advocate. 'YAY' to Judy for being, being, being with you always and in all ways. 'YAY' to you for Living Well and sharing your story. 'YAY' for all of your gifts to the world. 'YAY' for your gift to me about waking up to my own diet and the importance of Living Well in all situations.
So I think there is a new word in my vocabulary 'Crapyay!' Do you think it could pass for French?
Thinking of you and loving you.
Pat O (A Bigger Game Player because of you!)
Wednesday, December 14, 2005 2:05:00 PM
I read your recent posts and off to Mexico you go with Miss Judy. Of course she wants to go with you! What were you thinking? What else is she going to do? She's retired now, just in time to be with you through all of this no doubt.
So the posts are so raw and beautiful and for me, they feel heavy and scary and uncertain and confusing and vulnerable. What a soup.
I had a hard time sleeping last Thursday night myself. I stayed up all night thinking about cancer and fighting and experiencing and living and the mystery of dying. This was actually a welcome relief from contemplating my day to day struggles in raising my blended family and all of the other things I put in the category of "problems."
And something happened in that nocturnal dialogue with myself. I thought about you and the title of this blog, "Living Well." I thought to myself, "What the fuck am I doing lugging around my old story, my old survivor story that goes something like this, life is tough and then you die."
I am like you. I don't want to die. And I am like you, I want to live and live well until I do die. And I was thinking about all of the heroic actions you are taking at this point in your life and I said to myself, why not now? I want to get my enzymes clean and go have spiritual experiences in South America and spend my birthday in Tahoe surrounded by friends too.
So, just to let you know Ms. Laura, you have inspired yet another person on this planet and that person would be me.
I am off to go live well and drive a carpool and take my wild teenager to therapy and get crushed at toys r us and I am going to live into every minute of it because I am inspired by you.
Have FUN in Mexico. Be well, laugh, and love and give Judy a big hug.
Merry, merry Christmas and wishing you many blessings in 2006.
Love,
Lora
lora@TheCoachApproach.net
Wednesday, December 14, 2005 2:27:00 PM
Dearest Laura,
You had me in sobs (not tears) the other night, as I read posts 23 and 24 in tandem, followed by a couple of guestbook entries, including Maria Garza's about her daddy, and how she wished they had talked about the "what ifs"... Ugh... here it comes again... sadness and madness, and sadness... and then fear for my own dad, a smoker... and all kinds of irrational thoughts that I rarely allow...
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all doing direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
(This quote popped to mind, so I googled "Dickens it was the best of times" - and up comes the full quote - amazingly.) And here's what I notice about living on the edges of life - with less certainty, and extreme possibilities. On the edge, I am most awake to the fullness of life and the entire emotional range that goes with it. Everything feels a bit more intense. And sometimes I deny the "darker end" of this full range. And sometimes I deny the possibility that you and others I love (and I!!) will not be here forever to have the next conversation, the next adventure, the next disagreement... the next...
And then it doesn't seem fair... it's personal, and selfish... I want more of your presence in the world. I want to collaborate with you on bigger games... and I'm sad that I can't know for sure, and then I realize how this is just a tiny fraction of what you might be feeling...
And then I come back today, and I read about Joseph, and Mexico, and I am filled with the other extreme - hope, amazement, gratitude, the future, healing cancer, transforming healthcare...
And I laugh a little, and I think... there must be an easier way for Laura to get on Oprah :-) What a setup for a miracle... what a person for a miracle... what a season for a miracle... and what if it's not a miracle at all... but the future of "medicine"...
Extremes, and I know FIERCELY which one I am betting on, and praying for, and believing in... FIERCELY... with my whole heart and soul Laura.
Thank you for reminding me about the intensity of the edges, and for sharing, caring, crying and rejoicing.
Love and healing energy to you,
Melissa
Wednesday, December 14, 2005 7:44:00 PM
Oh Laura - As I read your intimate, open hearted journal chronicling this daunting time of your life I am so moved. You are such a courageous and authentic woman who has and is touching the lives of so many people. Now I reach back to touch yours. I feel myself next to you sending you loving energy and hopeful prayers with each breath.
I am grateful to your advocate, Isha, for taking on the role. It makes a big difference for you. I am grateful to Judy for adoring you and insisting on being with you in through all of this and for being discombobulated (who wouldn’t be).
Letting go of Christmas is big and yet there is nothing to stop you from holding on to it in Mexico. It will be different and it will still be Christmas. On Christmas morning my family and I will pause and send you love.
We never know what the next turn in the road brings. Someone wrote about being the thread of a blanket that hugs you - I loved that and am woven in there. You are in my heart and prayers, dear Laura. The Earthquakes are beside you. Love Barbara
Thursday, December 15, 2005 8:00:00 AM
Laura:
Your story is enthralling me. I look at the petty insignificant things I've been dealing with in the past few days and you always come back to me. I've been reading up on Spirit and Healing and one of the premises of this person's story is that all individuals give off energy fields but at the present time, they are immeasurable because of the lack of technology. Before I read that, I always had a sneaky suspicion that this was true. Now I know; your energy fields are being felt by me and I'm positive by many more people.
I've never been a touchy feely person; perhaps that's why the construction industry pulled me in. Because of you and the leadership path I am following, I am devouring everything I can get my hands hand to help explain to me things like intuition, spirt, love, etc.
Just thought you'd like to know what effect you keep having on me.
Love,
Pauline L Lally
Thursday, December 15, 2005 9:25:00 AM
Hi Laura,
Finally got the courage to get on your blog, to visit with you, to see the real deal, to let the tears flow. Wanted to share some pictures with you of my daughter, Maia, living well. Have not figured out how yet. I love you.
Thursday, December 15, 2005 10:06:00 AM
Dear Laura:
I have been silent these past few months not from not thinking about you but from being awed by life and death and living on the edge. I am healthy and yet I keep being drawn to the awareness of the moment of taking my last breath.
I was reading Robert Thurman's book, "Infinite Life" and he talked about how we can never not be. When we die we are still always something although physically we are transformed. But the word "nothing" is an oxymoron. Once we are something (someone) we can never be no thing again. It isn't physically possible.
Therefore when we go unconscious (such as when we are given anesthesia at the dentist office or die) it is not that we don't exist, it is merely that we don't remember. Our consciousness never leaves; we just momentarily forget our connection to it.
As I read your blog and feel your journey (and remember my own fears and highs during my journey as well) I am struck again and again about what truly does survive is the love we have for one another. Even in conflicted relationships, we always wish that we could have expressed more of our love than not. Know that your love is alive and well in all of us. And truly each one of our bigger games is just our own idiosyncratic way of expressing that love for one another. I'm guessing that if you had named "The Bigger Game", "Love" instead of "The Bigger Game" many people would have been too scared to play. But love is really the only stake worth playing for, isn't it?
I haven't looked at this poem in years but reading your successive entries today, I feel the need to resend it to you. Remember when the Wands graduated that first leadership group and I wrote a poem for each of us? I want to have you read it again. After ten years, you can rest easy that it is more true than ever before.
For Laura,
What do you want?
To transform the world.
By when will you do it?
One moment at a time
with each breath that I take
with each word that I speak.
How will we know you've accomplished your goal?
Being coached will be as natural as breathing.
Your breath
carries your word.
Your word is
commitment.
Your life, a passionate
marriage of vision and will,
generating trust and faith
in our Infinite Possibility.
Laura, you have always
held a larger vision
of and for each one of us.
Ever pushing, championing,
"Come on, you can do it!"
Precipitating our natural
success.
Now as leaders, we say to you,
"Come on, we can do it!"
For we too share your vision
and celebrate your Infinite Possibility.
Laura, may you always be showered
with blessings as you gaze at
your vision made manifest
in the world.
Keep up the fight! Keep surrendering. Life is a paradox. I am still standing behind you, on belay, supporting you on your ever continuing journey. Savor this present moment and the next and the next. That is all there is.
Much love and continued healing,
Judith
Thursday, December 15, 2005 11:34:00 AM
Hi Laura,
I am inspired and deeply moved by everything you do and evrything you "be". What a gift this blog has been; to be with you on this journey and learn about this dreaded diesease called cancer, alongside you. I feel so blessed to have you and your inspiration in my life. My thoughts, prayers and wishes and any healing energy I have to give you are with you in your journey.
With unconditional Love and Appreciation...Lorry Schneider
Friday, December 16, 2005 1:41:00 PM
Hello Laura ... Mexico eh? Well I just checked out the website you mentioned and even though we are on opposite coastlines somehow it still feels good to know that we are for the moment paisanos!
I just read through the latest on your journey. I see your 3-ness at every corner and am so glad that you are in fact a 3 ... I hear the fight. Not just for the sake of fighting ... but for what's at stake. And I sense that it's not just a simple answer like "my life's at stake damn it". No it's something else. I wonder what it is for you? Does it change from day to day, is it clear enough to name it. And I'd love to know if the simple things in life are now what's at stake? Or is it the bigger things? Does this make any sense at all? I'm just so curious.
We had our second hurricane here in October ... Wilma was her name. She certainly made a fine mess of my town and my home. It was tough to find a single leaf left on any tree or plant after the storm. And I remember thinking oh my gosh it's going to take FOREVER for the life to come back here. And you know what? In three days we had fresh green buds on the bushes and bougainvilla and trees. And now although branches are missing, more sun is coming through and the leaves and flowers are stupendous. Better than before in fact. I'm in awe of nature and how remarkably resilient it is and we are.
What I'm wanting for you in Mexico is a metaphoric internal hurricane to leave you raw, fresh, and tender and ever ready for new growth. Stronger than ever.
Someone gave me some Jack London quotes not too long ago. I like them. Maybe you know them, I don't think they've been posted on the site yet. If they are a repeat, oh well!
Both made me think of you:
I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
and ...
The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.
You are a superb meteor Laura! And oh my how you live!
I love you,
Leslie Clark
Friday, December 16, 2005 4:07:00 PM
About turkeys... You know I never saw a wild turkey until I was in my late 30's. In fact I was beginning to believe that they were a story made up and everyone else knew the truth but me. And I just kept looking.
Now that the silly things showed up and we had that lovely chat I know I am not crazy.
Just trying to get everything in alignment.
Thinking of you
With much love
Jeanne B
Saturday, December 17, 2005 9:01:00 PM
Hi Laura.
I've just returned from Mexico to learn you are there, living well, leaning in to love and trust and more healing. Ole!
I talked to the whales off the coast of Punta Mita about you as they are mighty and tender friends of mermaids. They spouted and played and breeched in your honor - they're living well in their whale nature as it is calfing season for them. As I took in their gentle majesty, I imagined they do not question their nature much, only follow it with all of their whale molecules (and that's a lot of moleules). I am soothed to know that you find many moments of soothing in nature.
One of the many things I love about you is how you call us to both follow our 'nature' AND to ask questions all along the way. You've been consistent in this, steadfast and unwavering.
I am feeling much for, about and with you as you continue to journey
and share with us so generously. My words feel small, yet my heart is bursting with love, rage, sadness, trust, you name it.
How about I go dance my a prayer in your honor? - to something soulful and Latin. Yes, that feels right. Know that you are loved Gorgeous One, by the whales and a tiny dancer in Marin shaking her emotional booty just for you. You are loved by so, so many.
Gently breathe in how much you are loved by YOU, sweetheart - this seems the most important knowing we can have. At the end of the day, knowing I love myself just a smidge more than I did yesterday, I am certain that I am living well.
Thanks for teaching us all how to make life matter, Laura.
Live on, heal on, love on . . .
Blessings to you and Judy,
Gail xo
Sunday, December 18, 2005 2:39:00 PM
Hello Laura in Mexico... Thank you so much for posting, and I'll be hoping for the "long post" in a few days :-) You sound good in your post - grounded although you say it's a challenge with the cultural differences.
I hope you will share some of the treatment details, and your impressions of them, for those that may have to follow in your footsteps. And what would you tell a newly diagnosed cancer patient now? It's a challenging road, so much to navigate...
Prayers continue, all over this world I am sure. And certainly in this household (and in my car, or wherever...) And dreaming and musings about what is trying to be born in this space of cancer and medical treatment and healing. And is it perhaps just a symptom of what's trying to be birthed on the planet, in the hearts of humankind? Hmmm... So many catastrophic wake up calls in 2005, and in recent years. So many reasons to choose "who we want to become" vs. letting our worldly circumstances choose for us.
So I am choosing organic, and fair trade gifts for Christmas, and for every day. I am seeking out new places to shop and different products from laundry detergent, to toothpaste, to cotton underwear (there are very sound reasons to choose organic cotton, and hemp). And that is my gift to our interconnected world, to the physical web that sustains our bodies, and allows us to be human together.
And of course, I am gently sharing this choice with my family, and raising their awareness of the impact (to our world) of "unawareness". Of unexamined comfort zones like shopping at Target, buying "normal" supermarket fare, buying more than we need, hmmm... so many unexamined "norms".
I think I may try to see if I can get my kids' school to provide organic milk, and organic carrots. Little steps. Baby steps. Test the waters. Or perhaps they will take some new ideas to school, and play their own bigger games... Yes, I am a maximizer, I need to remind myself to be gentle, meet, meet, meet. Point, Dance. Meet, Meet, Meet.
And of course, there's IBM too. So much opportunity... so many unseen choices.
OK, off I go, thanks for being here, whenever you are, and wherever you are.
Great love, and healing prayers to you.
Melissa
Sunday, December 18, 2005 7:03:00 PM
Dear Laura,
You've been in my thoughts and prayers often over these past days and months. And I'm hopeful that your trip to Mexico will be a turning point to your return to full physical health. I've just come back from a week in Mexico and was so struck by the beauty of the country and the people, both inner and outer. So much love, so much attention and care to body, soul AND spirit. I want that for you and Judy--love, and healing of body, soul and spirit.
I also feel called to share a favorite quote with you. It's from Lawrence Kushner's Book of Words:
"...such faith enables us to understand that which, only a moment ago, seemed strewn before us, has instead been set before us. It does not block our way, it is our way. We can only trust Heaven's purpose and our own strength. We have been given what we need to do what we have been called upon to accomplish".
Laura, if anyone I know has what it takes to accomplish whatever she sets out to do, it's you. And I will keep sending my love, thoughts, prayers, and good wishes your way.
Love, Hope
Sunday, December 18, 2005 8:18:00 PM
Hey there, Cow Girl - -
You are giving that bucking bronco you're riding the time of its life ! Go, girl! I'm just stopping in for a quick visit before I venture into the incredibly beautiful, crisp cold upstate NY night with our dog Jasper...Your words are like balm on an aching heart, Laura, even when they carry truths we'd quite frankly rather not have as truths right now. I'll be looking up at the stars, thinking of you and the stars glistening overhead in Mexico tonight, and sending you by starlight express love and support for your fight to live well every moment....
Many thanks for your note the other day....Don't know if you've had time to open up the return email, so I've copied it below .
Know that Sam, the kids and I will be celebrating Christmas with you in our thoughts and hearts -- and with deep gratitude for the feisty, inspiring, curious, wanter-activating, tender-hearted/ tough- minded being you are... Give those docs hell. They'll learn what it means to play a bigger game if they let you in....xooxxooxxoxo - -Heather
The note from the other day:
Hey Luscious - - Hmmmm... I've never called you that before, but it just bubbled up to the surface as I thought about you just now and seems so right. What a treat to see you in my mailbox ! Thank you for your note and the love back. I am so glad that you are getting the notes and they are hitting your heart. They come from the heart and are inspired by you, your intense love and desire for all that life has to offer , your wanting others to want as ferociously as you do and to live B-I-G ! I am so moved by the way you are living these moments.... I have a print of a girl riding a bucking bronco under the stars , with one arm up in the air with great flair ( clearly indicating that she can handle the bronco with style and with only one hand grabbing the reins - -I don't even see any white knuckles, although they must be there as she and the horse dance beneath the stars and the moon ). When I found this in an airport in Colorado, it called out to me, and I realize now that it reminds me of you - -daring to take on the mighty bronco and leap on for the ride of your life, for the sheer joy and exhilaration, and because you felt the urge to dare to take it on....with one hand dancing free in the air....
I am visiting your wonderful blog on a regular basis, so know that I am there even if I don't show up in message form each time ( I'd begin to look like a stalker, don't you think?)....We are sending you hot blazes of love - -
Heather
Monday, December 19, 2005 8:43:00 PM
Laura:
Yes, Laura, we are all here, getting our dials turned up reading your posts.
Love, Pauline
Thursday, December 22, 2005 1:38:00 PM
Laura ---
Just read your 12/22 posting and am grinning fiercely. You see... I would have been so perfectly satisfied to just listen to the yucko bits of mexico, of feeling out of sorts and angry.
THEN, somehow, pulling up from that core of who you are... you dug around and found a question. Then another. and another. As the questions started to flow... so did the energy. You are the master of creating passion and energy from the question - THAT's where the POWER in powerful questions comes from. WOW.
Please know I don't come to your site because I need something from you. I come because I want to give something... an ear... eyes to read your extroverted self back to life... and love. No matter where you are and what the heck you're feeling. No matter what - there is love.
And hope. Always...
And Creative energy that heals.
I'm off to Mexico tomorrow... the pretty part! I'll be surrounded by people I love - my family. People who are more alive, more expressed, more real, more aware, more healthy, more loving and respectful.... largely because they've been touched by you and what you helped create.
THANK YOU FOR THAT!!
Love and gratitude,
Helen
PS - don't forget to 'butter the sky'
Hafiz wrote --
Slipping
on my shoes,
Boiling water,
Toasting bread,
Buttering the sky:
That should be enough contact
With God in one day
To make anyone
Crazy.
Thursday, December 22, 2005 2:23:00 PM
(Shared on 12/15/05)
Dear Laura
Just read all your news and wishing you love for your trip to Mexico. You are such an inspiration to all of us and to those who face a similar journey to you. in your writing you have given us permission to speak about the inner most thoughts we have. How you are fearful, how long some of the nights can be not knowing. I have a real sense that there is some peace in your last posting.
On Tuesday I will be involved all day with children who have brain tumours, they are inspiring and with a charity I am involved in we bring a few smiles to a few faces. We pay for a clown entertainer and next week will be giving them an activity trolley stacked with fun things to do, when they are stuck in bed, distractions are wonderful for all. If they can laugh when all around them is tough so can I. How seriously we all take life when as we learn from you it is the big stuff that matters. As I spend time with the kids, I will think of you as well.
With love Carolynx
Thursday, December 22, 2005 4:07:00 PM
Dear Laura:
I'm here on the blog, daily.
Today I spoke with someone who had eyes as blue as yours. I stared so hard -- reminded suddenly of you -- I think I made her nervous :-)
Jingle, jingle back to you.
Love: Jeanne C
Thursday, December 22, 2005 4:38:00 PM
Dear Laura, Merry almost Christmas. And Merry almost Christmas Eve, and almost home. You continually amaze me, as you express what is, and where you are - underwater at times, in the depths, down the tube, and then somehow explode back to the surface, bringing us all with you.
I'm so glad that you find your voice, explore your feelings out loud, in this nest of support here on this blog. You seem at home here now (in blogspace), even as you are in this foreign space - not pretty or comforting. I can hear the change, the perspective shift, and it's beautiful.
Thank you for the words to reflect on, the intentions for the loving memories to be created, the deeper conversations ("great pie, is it made with recycled dough?" - ha ha giggling at my silliness). Really, maybe I'll actually get to know my cousin Ellen's girlfriend this holiday, or see what makes Uncle Ed tick (a more passionate small town fireman, EMT, farmer you won't find anywhere, me thinks). Or perhaps I'll just get on the floor with all the little blonde cousins, and giggle with them, as they play little girl games. Or capture them in pictures for future memories... Hmmm... I'm looking forward to Christmas much more now.
Thank you, Laura. Much love, beauty, hope, giggling and whatever tickles your fancy on Christmas. And constant beautiful healing...
Love,
Melissa
Thursday, December 22, 2005 9:11:00 PM
Laura and Judy my loves,
I've just signed onto the Blog from Colorado to see how you are faring. I'm sitting in my pajamas drinking coffee because all the young teens showered, thank god, this morning and I'm waiting for hot water. The whole family has been waiting for the arrival of little, 18 month old Olivia to arrive. The little doll who will illuminate Christmas for the rest of us with her enthusiasm, curiosity and excitement. She's a precocious little creature that I have never met, and I'm a little anxious that she like me. She's the boss after all . . .
I have been thinking of you two constantly as you are in Tijuana, hoping that you are responding well to the treatments and picturing you in your lovely home for Christmas with me nearby. I can't wait to see you, hug you.
Its been a bummer to miss your phone calls Judla, so disappointing not to get to speak with you. But soon.
Laura, love, if you return to Tijuana we will have to do a better job in creating beauty in your space, I'll work on that. Thank you for illuminating the savoring of what I am enjoying here with my Aunt's boys and their families. Cookies, movies, laughter, teen teasing, hairstyles and nails, holiday parties and wonderful Christmas lights, cool fresh mountain air and a mound of packages under the tree for the kids.
And I can't wait to be sitting in your living room by the fire, in the candlelight, wondering at the meadow and planning for Life in the New Year.
Love, strength and courage, Breeze
Friday, December 23, 2005 9:35:00 AM
12/27/05
Sweet Being,
I am so glad you never cease to amaze us with your words and how they may speak you into aliveness and health at the same time speak us all into our own aliveness and health.
I accepted your invite to walk about my life for a second and enter the world of anticipation. I got excited just being in that world, let alone being reminded of the importance of anticipation. I always thought that was the juiciest part of planning a great date or vacation and you have reminded me once again to savor and turn up the dial. My day has shifted.
I was talking to someone this a.m. about how I am tired having Ernie home, recovering from his motorcycle accident, and glad he is going back to work mid-January. That angel reminded me of the precious times we've spent together these past few months that would not have been had it not been for his accident. I shifted and savored.
I want to savor in ALL moments the life that wants to happen. It's such a Bigger Life that wants to happen.
Thank you for re-minding me.
I am holding you close to my heart. I hope you feel it.
Love,
Pat O
Tuesday, December 27, 2005 10:50:00 AM
John V and I led a Fulfillment course a few weekends ago and your name came up. We were talking about a coach we know in common and John said, “She reminds me of Laura. She is never NOT selling.” It’s a part of you I know, Laura, but like the invisible value, something I hadn’t noticed and appreciated quite so clearly until that moment when it was reflected in another. Words are funny things – never any better than close approximations of what we mean. “Selling” is like that. In the courses we sometimes say “enrolling” – interchangeably. When I look through the Laura lens I see that it means “be so passionate about ‘it’ (whatever it is) that the hunger that is already there in the other will spring to life and grab for whatever you are offering.” And now you are doing that with this thing called “life” itself. You can’t stop selling it and you can’t fool me, that’s what you have always been selling, enrolling, insisting, cajoling, teasing, or outright demanding. Life itself. And there isn’t even the tiniest grain of shyness in you about that. Maybe that’s what I admire the most – how clear you are about it. Thanks for being the model of that for all of us, and especially thank you for modeling that for me.
With love and prayer
phil
Tuesday, December 27, 2005 4:42:00 PM
12/28/05
Just dove into your most recent Mexico musings. What a reminder of the preciousness of the moment. Christmas was delightful with energetic eight year olds snapping pictures of everything on their new cameras and sharing secrets using their new walkie-talkies. Along with their new-found knowledge regarding the existence of Santa Claus, they are developing a sense of the magic in all of us looking for its outlet that manifests this time of year. Gratitude and generosity overflowing and rolling around in the sensasion of aliveness and connection. What a treasure.
Now, today, it is that magic time between the Christmas holiday and the New Year. A time to pause, to breathe, to really notice and appreciate. Even the work day slows down.
Thank you for all of your insight and reminders. You are a precious spirit and powerful force. May the New Year bring magic, healing, courage and surrender each in their own perfect time.
Loving you and Judy and the love you share,
Hesteah
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 10:58:00 AM
Dearest Laura - It is Thursday, Dec. 29 and I have just received from a leadership friend, and read with awe and tears, your beautiful, moving, and loving blog about the journey you are on. And as I write this, I fervently pray (Not something I do often) that you are continuing to "live well" and take in the goodness of each day. Thank you for sharing your heart, your hopes, your fears, your experiences, and the deepest part of you with all of us. If your sharing is helping you, I am grateful, and please know that it is also a gift to all of us as well. For me, it is the reminders of the preciousness of each day, the need to advocate for oneself, the dangers of 'in the box", and the importance of kindness to others at all times - especially those we love the most!
It strikes me that your sharing of your journey is the biggest game you have yet played.
I send you every loving, healing strong thought and prayer that I am capable of. You have been on my mind sporadically the last few months - and I regret not contacting you - now you will be in my heart every moment.
Much love and many hugs,
Marcia Dorfman, New Brunswick, Canada
Thursday, December 29, 2005 8:23:00 AM
Hello Dear Laura:
Just read your Mexico post in a Starbucks in Pheonix, AZ (Starbucks because they have wireless).
I'm so glad that as I am writing this you are most likely ensconced in the Medow house after a "savoring" Christmas with those you love.
I'm struck by the theme of beauty in your posting. ..or lack there of in Tijuana. Gosh, I feel that strongly here in Pheonix too. ..this place of strip malls and smog that feels slapped on top of the earth.
It has me think of the healing power of beauty for I do believe that beauty heals.
So, I wish for you a Christmas and New Year's filled with the beauty of your sweet Meadow house and tthe meadow itself and the beauty in the eyes of those who love you dearly.
Look forward to touching base when I return.
Love,
Karen
Thursday, December 29, 2005 11:01:00 AM
Posted December 2005
Susan and I just read your posts from Mexico together while sitting here in front of the fireplace.
Christmas is such a feast of anticipation, thanks for reminding us what a gift that anticipation itself is.
While we were out in Martinez recently, you and Judy were so present to all of us so completely a part of the tangible experience. We felt your love so palpably, for Judy, for your family, for us, and for the world. Thanks for sharing your world with us. It is a very special world.
Pause for just a minute and let our love and concern and respect in, along with your walls, your Christmas tree, and your meadow.
We both love you both so much.
Susan and David
10:45 PM
Monday, January 02, 2006 9:01:00 AM
Happy New Year, Laura! Just a short note to let you know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers over the holiday season. My 6 year old is convinced that a New Year is a Do-Over. What a perspective, huh? I hope 2006 brings you only good things. Lots of Love, Maria.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006 2:21:00 PM
Hi Laura, Casey here. Finally getting my feet back on the ground after so much. I just returned from Amarillo to bury my grandmother, my last. It was a relief of sorts as her Alzheimers was progressing rapidly and she no longer knew any of us. Thankfully it didn't drag on for more than a few years. Whenever I called her she'd always ask where I was and if I was coming by. She was my basecamp in the midwest for a long time...
I hope you still remember our wedding day. It probably seems so long ago now, but I will always remember the way you danced that day. You were practically floating off the ground! What a joy to have you and Judy there, and to see you on the grass next to me, shakin' it like no tomorrow! I was blown away. I loved it and will cherish it. see you soon!
casey
Monday, October 30, 2006 8:44:00 AM
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Just before definitely one you should incredibly imagine how it comes with an total criteria to this particular.
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You can easlily liquefy from increasing whatever nutrition dust as a result
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Needless to say people fuse wonderful concentrated amounts and detox their bodies.
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The specific Our omega J8006 additionally also has a potent drive and it possesses another two-fold juicing feature making it
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