Personal Notes to Laura: January - March 2006
Visit this section to view personal notes and expressions to Laura made from January 2006 through March 2006.
posted by Anonymous at 3/01/2006 10:56:00 PM
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
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104 Comments:
Happy New Year Laura and Judy - I keep checking in for messages from you - to hear how you are - and to know where you are. And I know that you will write when the time is right for you.
I'm thinking about Janus - the Roman god whose face looked both backwards - at what had transpired - and forwards - at what is to come.
You used to coach us to think about what we needed to leave behind and what we were choosing to take into the new year.
It's a new year for me -I had my last treatment on the 29th. My hair is starting to grow back - I have that downy look. I have hope in me. And what I yearn for this year is to have joy in me - again. Regardless of what happens. To meet each day and find the joy in it. That I think is the key for me to embracing the unknown.
What I am leaving behind is the desire to "get it all together so I can start living". My realization is that my cancer and David's accident and your cancer are parts of my life now- not something to get over with so I can get on with my real life.I also am so aware that there are no guarantees - that death can happen at any second, in spite of success, well laid plans, and good health.
And what about you? Both of you charting new territory in this new year and trying new treatments. I am so thankful that you are sharing your paths with us on this blog.
Laura, you talked to me about being in the place of looking at death. I have this image in my mind's eye of you straddling evenly both life and death - is this where you are these days or are you experiencing something different? And what is it like to be where you are?
And Judy, how are you? What is it like to be you in this space of living and dying?
I hope these questions are received with the fierce love from which they are sent. I want to try and meet you both in the space where you are now in your lives and want to know where to re-enter our conversation.
As always, know that you both are being held with love and admiration by David and I up here. Wishing you both a joyful, heartfull year ahead.
Brenda
Monday, January 02, 2006 10:48:00 AM
Hi, Laura and Judy. I'm thinking the New Year has come to Mexico, too. Right? I remember a Christmas holiday in Cancun a long while ago and loving the expressiveness of the celebration there. Hope you are having time to enjoy this place you are, and to enjoy one another deeply.
Mostly things in Northern California are just WET. And the fireplace is working again and in my quiet times I have been thinking of you and sending prayers your way. I love you both.
That's the scoop in this moment.
Elaine
Monday, January 02, 2006 11:55:00 AM
Dear Laura,
I read this poem this morning and smiled....you were in my mind so powerfully as I read it b/c I DO know all these things about you...and am blessed by that.
"It doesn't interest me If there is one God or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned.
I want to know if you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you, if you can look back with firm eyes saying, "This is where I stand".
I want to know if you know how to melt into the fierce heat of living, falling toward the center of your longing.
I want to know if you are willing to live day by day with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have been told that in that fierce embrace even the gods speak of God."
--David Whyte
You are in that embrace even now, aren't you? I can see it.
Much love....Grace
Monday, January 02, 2006 12:17:00 PM
Dear Laura,
I just read your latest comment (Jan 3). I sit here at my desk in the dark early morning reflecting on your question of the year: "What is important?" My head and heart and soul are abuzz with this question...And so I reflect - You have boldly spelled it out - LIVING WELL...and I would think that as your circumstances change, you will redefine how you hold what that is for you. I don't know much about Coaching or its terminology - the only words I know are about Playing the Bigger Game...I believe you are playing the biggest game ever right now - by sharing yourself, your process, your inspriation and your most intimate self...I look for your update - I read the truly beautiful notes from your friends and I know you are making a difference in the souls of many, at least in mine... Maybe that's what is important... that we open and share our consciousness, and leave this world better for our being here. Thank you, Laura, for your lovely self... And I long for the sunshine as well - in fact, I'm looking at a simply gorgeous sunrise right now - the sky is multi-colored and I look at it through the barren birches - it's all so silent - nature is our nature.
I love you, Laura, and I keep you in my heart.
Mary
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 7:30:00 AM
January 4th... 2006
Ah... she writes again! Thank you Laura!!
What's important now? No really.
Feeling inspired by your questioning, your pushing up against, your searching.... wanting to respond with wisdom and answers... knowing I only have more curiosity and questions. Always ideas... rarely answers.
What emerges when looking at the question you posed is what a huge paradox it all is. I'm thinking we try to know what's important, but our view is so limited, we can only guess. Like choice. I think we like to believe we're always at choice... but the best choices often are made by something outside ourselves. If what I can see from where I am is that I can choose 'a' through 'r'.... (when 'z' is the best choice)... it's not because I'm stupid or narrow-minded.... I simply can't see 'z' from where I stand. So... I keep trying to get higher or look broader or deeper. But sometimes I just can't find it till it's suddenly my path.
What's important feels like that. I keep aiming for what's important. Sometimes I'm sure I'm headed right for it. Sometimes I worry so much about certain things that I hope to God they're THAT important that they deserve all that energy. (Usually they're not) And so... I carry on. Choosing... adjusting... failing... succeeding... being delighted... then disappointed... then delighted again.
What other people think is important for me often isn't what I think is important for me. That adds to the confusion. So when people say to you "FIGHT... you will WIN".............. Maybe that's what's important to them... not you. Or... maybe it's all about the fight. Maybe the fight IS what's important.
Or not.
Maybe what's important is to "DANCE... not fight..." What is this Dance of Living Well?.... the cancer dance?.... dancing back and forth between passion for living and bored with dripping and waiting... Dancing between profound faith and deep doubt.... Dancing between knowing what matters in every cell of your being and then suddenly wondering if you know anything at all........ Dancing between believing that life is all that matters, and then being curious about what else there is............... So much dancing to do!
Fighting feels like hard, pushing energy. Angry, defiant energy. Maybe righteous.
Sometimes that push gives life to things. Sometimes it must drain it.
Dancing feels like flow.... true Grace... Curiosity.... Leading AND following.... Giving then receiving....
Sometimes the dance must feel like magic. Sometimes perhaps it feels too passive?
A friend of mine taught me about becoming immortal - Loving and engaging in life to such a degree that we lived as only the Gods can. (Now THERE's a dance! ) We took a vacation where our only desired outcome was the experience of being 'immortal'. There were moments where I believe we succeeded. And oh how fun the trying was.... :)
How would the Gods dance THIS dance?
I love you still and always.
Helen
PS - I loved finding Judy's comments in the section on What's important now. Would love it if she had a space that was hers.... where we could find her words and send her love. A thought.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 7:50:00 AM
To suspend the world long enough to look back in and really see what is important,that feels like good use of time ......
I am pleased you asked the question.
Currently I look around and see that there are only certain circumstances that push us deep enough and maybe far enough to really want to look. What courage it takes to be here, to ask the questions, and be prepared to work with the answers.
Maybe from this place we start to utlize our finely tuned instincts and values to sense and determine what is real and what is important to know.
Can this knowing then become the fire that restokes our heart and soul? I believe it can.
It is really good to hear from you Laura
with much love
Linda
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 9:16:00 AM
Hi There Laura,
What a great question...what is important...this is a question with a unique answer from every being that answers it. This is what makes us human and makes the world go round.
This is what is important to me..
To feel and create love for those in my life.
It is important to me to develop this skill as I grow. I would like to think that by the end of my days I can do it with everyone and everything on the planet.
Creating beauty is important to me
Being with Noel in a meaningful and loving way is important to me
Being outside in nature is important to me
Running outside in fresh air is important to me
Being fair and loving is important to me
Being Kind is important to me
Being honest is important to me
Doing the right thing with each person is important to me
Knowing that what I choose is important to myself and makes a difference in the world..this is important to me
Making money/a living is important to me
Looking good is very important to me
Feeling smart and creative is important to me
Seeing..EXACTLY what is in front of me..this is important to me
Feeling what is going on with me..in each moment...very important....
Feeling divine..inspired..creating sacred space inside and out is important me
Believing....I create... is important to me
Believing....planetary peace and happiness is available and possible in the world...AND that I contribute to this creation with my words and actions is important to me.
Believing that we are ALL connected
Believing that life is SACRED...this is very important to me..there is so much more...what a great question! ONE more....fun...this is so important to me...
Love YOU lots laura w. (very important to me)
To be continued...i promise...
see ya later.....(very very important to me:)
I guess at the end of the day...it is a perspective and not a question at all...how cool is that...
laura h.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 12:57:00 PM
Happy New Year Laura.
I've been racking my brain to come up with my definition of what is important - really. It came to me just a minute ago.
My motorcycle friends often say "It's not the destination; it's the journey". For me, it's easy to say that when I'm riding; when I can get "lost" in the journey, in the experience of riding a big old bad Harley machine in the country, breathing the air, the flowers, feeling the wind on my face, smelling the newly-cut lawns and smiling when a bug gets caught in my teeth.
Up until recently, it's been difficult to say the same phrase "it's not the destination, it's the journey" when I'm in life NOT riding. You are a big reason for that. I won't and can't get lost in the journey that's playing out for me right now. That's what's important - really; the journey.
Love, Pauline
Thursday, January 05, 2006 1:41:00 PM
1/05/06
Hey there, Laura - -
Just checking in at the end of a long day to let you know that we are thinking of you every day, sending you fierce firey love from our frozen little northeastern corner of the country, and filled with gratitude (and awe ) for your spirited, achingly honest questing. We'll tuck you into our dreams tonight and wake up holding you and Judy in our hearts - -
xoxoxoxo - - Heather
Thursday, January 05, 2006 8:52:00 PM
Dear Laura....
You asked the question that is the reason I posted that David Whyte poem for you! What grabbed me about that poem and brought you into my mind so powerfully was the part that goes:
"I want to know if you know how to melt into the fierce heat of living, falling into the center of your longing. I want to know if you are willing to live day by day with the consequence of Love and the bitter disappointment of your sure defeat".
These things David Whyte speaks of are important: living, loving, longing....even knowing that its all for the moment, that its the PROCESS of living, loving and longing that creates, and that we must hold all that we create with an open hand....celebrating and loving it and letting it go, even letting each day of our own lives go. It seems our humanity is all about being instruments of Life's ceaseless creation. That poem invokes for me, Laura, your profound willingness to BE with such courage in the creating/releasing process of living/dying. Watching you do that in such a big way calls me to be with ALL that lives and dies in smaller ways in my own life and in others' with more compassion. What you're BEING is important to me and I thank you for it.
From over here, it looks like more is living and more is dying than the obvious. I sense the releasing of more than a body, and Life breathing itself into more than your days. I want to ask you: What is really dying here? What is really living? Where is Life moving in all of this?
I don't know any answers. I am with you in the question, Laura.
Oh, and I'm DEFINITELY with the idea of having a spot for Judy here. So many of us are holding her now.....Much love, Grace
Sunday, January 08, 2006 9:49:00 AM
Hello Sweet Laura
This is Lynne of the Great Mystery. I finally got here, thanks to Alexis.
What is important now? I keep coming back to that it is really simple stuff - not so profound - breathing, smiling, loving the people you love, watching the birds, breathing, smiling, feeling the wind on your cheek. Watching the ocean. Being awake. Breathing. It may just be the real simple stuff. Laughing. Laugh a lot.
I am remembering going up on my first ropes course and you talking me through it. I was scared to the nth degree and I jumped anyway. I have been jumping every since. And now I see myself down on the ground and you are up in the scary place. And in my mind's eye, I see all of us, the people who love you, down here on the ground and, honey, we are talking to you and loving you and holding you. You may forget that we are here. You may not hear our voices sometimes, yet we are still here. Our murmurings of love are like the wind. Little puffs on your cheek.
To quote the Talmud (badly):
Each blade of grass has an angel leaning over it whispering, grow! grow!
We are your angels.
With love always and every day,
Lynne
Monday, January 09, 2006 4:05:00 PM
What the hell is important?...
...to be loving to myself, whatever that looks like at any given time...for me i know that if my life is made up of moments like that it enables me to be present enough to be touched and moved by life wherever it is at...to be as true to myself as is possible at any given time so I can feel as alive as possible...
...and of course i do all of the above apart from when i don't :)!!
lots of love laura
zoe xx
Tuesday, January 10, 2006 2:07:00 AM
(posted Wednesday, January 11, 2006 11:55:05 AM)
Hi Laura, I owe you a post! Hmm, what's important now... I sit here quietly wanting to "get it right". And then I just have to start somewhere, and maybe get it partly right. So what feels important to me now is loving ourselves, each other, and this planet, and everything in between and in connection. And making decision from that place of love, and "for the sake of what" - compelling purpose, personal values. Making decisions and moving forward based on my best understanding of the truth, and the impact that decision will have in the world and my life. Continuous learning, intentional change and evolution, doing the best I can. In this container of love for human beings and the planet, and this fragile and wonderful and challenging experience called life. That's important now.
I love you, and your life, and your impact. It matters so much to me. Your integrity and your struggle, and your integrity in your sruggle. Keep doing your best (in the moment) to live your best for as long as you can and will. And then, I will choose to believe (whenever that may be) that you will be doing your best in whatever comes next.
I bought a children's book several years ago called "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson. It is available on Amazon.com, and it goes like this...
The Next Place by Warren Hanson
The next place that I go
will be as peaceful and familiar
as a sleepy summer Sunday
and a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet... it won't be anything like any place I've ever been...
or seen.....or even dreamed of
in the place I leave behind.
I won't know where I'm going,
and I won't know where I've been
As I tumble through the always
and look back toward the when.
I'll glide beyond the rainbows,
I'll drift above the sky.
I'll fly into the wonder,
without ever wondering why.
I won't remember getting there.
Somehow I'll just arrive.
But I'll know that I belong there
and will feel much more alive
than I have ever felt before.
I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto
that were holding onto me.
The next place that I go will be so quiet and so still
That the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill
the listening sky with joyful silence, and with unheard harmonies
of music made by no one playing,
like a hush upon a breeze.
There is be no room for darkness in that place of living light,
Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.
The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun
And the moon and half a million stars are married into one.
The next place that I go
won't really be a place at all.
There won't be any seasons-
winter, summer, spring or fall -
Nor a Monday,
Nor a Friday,
Nor December,
Nor July.
And the seconds will be standing still
while hours hurry by.
I will not be a boy
or girl.
a woman
or a man.
I'll simply be
just,
simply,
me.
No worse or better than.
My skin will not be dark
or light.
I won't be fat
or tall.
The body I once lived in
won't be part of me
at all.
I will finally be perfect.
I will be without a flaw.
I will never make one more mistake,
or break the smallest law.
And the me that was impatient,
or was angry
or unkind,
will simply be a memory.
The me I left behind.
I will travel empty-handed.
There is not a single thing
I have collected in my life
that I would ever want to bring.
except...
the love of those who loved me,
and the warmth of those who cared.
The happiness and memories
and magic that we shared.
Though I will know the joy of solitude...
I'll never be alone.
I'll be embraced
by all the family and friends
I've ever known
Although I might not see their faces,
all our heart will beat as one,
And the circle of our spirits
will shine brighter than the sun.
I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find,
all the love and all the laughter
in the place I leave behind.
All these good things will go with me.
They will make my spirit glow.
And that light will shine forever
in the next place that I go.
My love and prayers for your complete healing, and for your peace,
Melissa
Wednesday, January 11, 2006 1:45:00 PM
Hi, Laura, Just checking in to wish you a multi-hued new year. I've been reading your posts as well as those sent your way. Its like saying hello to so many of our friends!
I've been working on the question "what's important." It feels like heavy work tonight. I was meeting with people last evening who are creating a new company. They are planning to make the world a better place. Now, if you ask, they know what's important!
You've made the world a better place, you know. And you created a small army of "better place makers." I aspire to be one of those.
That's it - as profound as it gets. Know this message comes with a lot of love and as much powerful prayer as this sinner can muster.
Let's talk again here, real soon. Till then you and Judy keep the faith. Love you, babe. Sara
Wednesday, January 11, 2006 6:04:00 PM
Laura, blogspot and I aren't friends tonight. The previous "sara" note was from me - Sara Smith
Wednesday, January 11, 2006 6:09:00 PM
Hello Dear:
Asking great questions, as always. As I sit with it, what occurs to me is that the answering of the question is not what is important. It's the asking of it that makes a difference.
For me these days, the river of life feels like an every changing tapestry of different energies. And in different moments, different snapshots of time, different things are important.
There is always that over arching river of this life time as I find my way back home. ..or that's how it appears to me. And also every single moment is an opportunity to lean into "What matters here?" "How do I use myself here?" What do express, what calls me in this moment? I love how in our Process course, we say that a moment is infinite. It feels that way when I write this words. That each moment is an opportunity for me to create. .. .something. And asking the question what is needed feels more alive and more important than knowing the answer.
Thank you for the question, Laura.
An ocean of love to you and Judy
Karen bo baren
Wednesday, January 11, 2006 9:10:00 PM
Hi Laura,
Been thinking much of you these days. And sending you my love.
And I love your question. What is important really? This day, today I think my answer is along the lines of Rilke's advice to live the question.
And here is my question I am living with at the moment - Have I learned to love well?
I'd like to be able to say someday that I have accomplished this in my life with a modicum of consistency.
And I also know it is a question that I can live into now, and now, and now.
That seems to me to be really important.
Much, much love to a woman who has taught me so much about love,
Jim
Thursday, January 12, 2006 10:56:00 AM
Hi Laura: Hello from Vermont. The sun is coming out right now and the Adirondaks are clear across the lake.
Thinking of you today.
jeanne cunningham
Thursday, January 12, 2006 12:14:00 PM
Hello Laura - the sight of blue sky and sun today is heavenly after our 29 days of continuous rain. I am hoping that you are having some blue sky days yourself - both literally and metaphorically.
I love how the earth is sending love in the form of new green shoots in the ground and even some colourful flowers.
Just wanted to check in and let you and Judy know that you are being sent love and hugs on a daily basis. Have a yummy day!
Brenda
Sunday, January 15, 2006 12:00:00 PM
January 16, 2006
Upatate NY ( where the climate doesn't know what it's supposed to be doing....)
Laura m'dear - -
Howdy from the Northeast, where we are living with unpredictable bipolar weather patterns - - balmy Spring for 24 hours followed by Siberia blasts that freeze your breath as it comes up your throat... We are thinking of you and sending you oceanic waves of love and "you can do it, girlfirend!" affirmations...Can you feel all the surges of love and intense wanting for your health and happiness coming your way - -from countless Laura Whitworth groupies - - and swirling around and gently enfolding you and Judy? Our universe is filled with people like me, who know that life is more REAL, juicy, BIG, deep and more of an adventure because of you. Your questions. Your passions. Your impatience to see us get to what really matters.Your ongoing demand for re-activated "wanters", for making a B-I-G impact on life and vice versa....We are carrying you with us and living each day with your inquriry ( " what is important.No really") permeating our minds thoughts and actions. I've lost count of the number of people with whom I've talked about you, your 2006 inquiry, the way you keep living your life to the hilt, and how you have reawakened in us the beauty of full aliveness, NOW and NOW and NOW..Living fully, consciously, choosing, reveling, revealing, in-to-me-see-ing, challenging, probing , squeezing every last drop out and savoring ...
Sleep tight and know that we are loving you as we look up at the moon that will be keep watch over you and Judy tonight --
We send you much love, baby-cakes --
Heather
Monday, January 16, 2006 7:42:00 PM
So glad to have you back, Laura. I missed you, here, and worried too, a bit, of course. What does the absence mean? And now I know! And I will have Dan (steroid man) read your post, because wow - that could explain alot. And yet, he's been on prednisone for over a year now. It's a challenging ride, that's for sure.
I eagerly await your soapbox, and I am so glad Sunday was a "sunny day". I wish you lots of those days, and heal, heal, healing!
My prayers and parts of my heart check in on you often, with great respect, love, admiration, and hope!
Melissa
Monday, January 23, 2006 7:34:00 PM
Laura,
The words "full permission" packaged with "staying" play over and over in my head. I knew these were the peices that were bubbling up to the surface and yet couldn't articulate them.
Thanks
Hello to Judy and I hope your sun has stayed out.
I close my eyes and I see squiggles that I imagine are like DNA floating around and I send love and healing energy through them on the wind and through the trees that share their whispers to those who listen and in the rain that seeps into the earth under my feet that is connected to all the other earth and that energy goes with it
Sunday, January 29, 2006 1:28:00 PM
Hi Ms. Laura-bo-bora--
What is important? What is important now? I guess that's the question to ask every time my feet swing over the side of the bed in the morning. Every time i pee. Every time I pay a bill, send an e-mail, run an errand, sit in front of a room full of people. Yes, I can answer that question with a lot of stuff that is always and in general important. And I love staying in the question of it, when a companion question always emerges--how do I KNOW it's important? Oh, and another question--What is needed now? come to think of it, those three are a fine set of guiding principles for a life well-lived.
I am just returned from two months away from home and had three hours in the Richmond airport to read the blog in a leisurely way and marvel at your on-the-edge-as-always aliveness and the quality of your mind and the way your writing jumps off the page. I'm thinking you have two books in you right now--the BG and the one you've been writing here since this blog went on-line. Let's talk about both, huh?
I love you deeply. I would like nothing more than to hang with you and Jude-o-la at glide. And I look forward hugely to seeing you both next week when I come for Leadership.
Love--Caroline
Monday, January 30, 2006 5:54:00 PM
Hey Baby,
Thank you for being here sharing this journey with us. When I read your postings I fall in love with you all over again. As you know I am not attending the Caregivers Support group at The Center for Attitudinal Healing. I want to share their Principles here with your community:
1. The essence of our being is love.
2. Health is inner peace. Healing is letting go of fear.
3. Giving and receiving are the same.
4. We can let go of the past and of the future.
5. Now is the only time there is and each instant is for giving.
6. We can learn to love ourselves and others by forgiving rather than judging.
7. We can become love finders rather than fault finders.
8. We can choose and direct ourselves to be peaceful inside regardless of what is happening outside.
9. We are students and teachers to each other.
10. We can focus on the whole of life rather than the fragments
11. Since love is eternal, death need not be viewed as fearful.
12. We can always perceive ourselves and others as either extending love or giving a call for help.
www.healingcenter.org
It feels grounding. And in alignment with who I perceive all these concious journeyers who are with you on this path.
Much love, Breeze
Wednesday, February 01, 2006 12:48:00 PM
Oops, typing error. I meant to write that I AM going to the Center of Attitudinal Healing support groups for caregivers.
Thursday, February 02, 2006 12:02:00 PM
Hello, dear Laura - just read your latest blog on the new "mets"...since it's the first time I hear that terminology, I know that I'll never hear that word again without thinking of you and this blog. It's funny how instantaneously that word turned from an allusion to first time encounters and NY ballplayers to a fight for dear life. And keep fighting, Laura. There is much for which to fight. And, as I told my best friend 6 years ago when she was diagnosed with late-stage breast cancer, "This Cancer has NO idea who it's tagged this time. It has met its match!" She fought it and is doing fine. She's been cancer free all these years and enjoying life! And you will be fine, also. Please know that I think of you often and you and your wellbeing continue to be in my prayers - I pray for your healing and a your living a good life. Take care and stay strong! Lots of Love. Maria Garza-Lennon
Thursday, February 02, 2006 2:45:00 PM
Laura,
Whew, what a process you are sharing with us all. I honor your ability to write about your experience for all of us to see. I treasure your truth and the list of lessons learned. I intend to share the list with my mother who is fighting her own battle with lymphoma. You speak the words I could not find to share with her.
Thank you.
I bow to your spirit, your wisdom, and your incredible fight. My love and prayers are with you.
Hesteah
Thursday, February 02, 2006 10:22:00 PM
Dear Laura:
Laura, you are staying with us. All those times I've heard you say that its important to stay and here you are showing us what it means to stay. What an inspiration!
Love, Pauline
Friday, February 03, 2006 1:41:00 PM
reading other contributions to you...and maria's is so bang on for me...my bet is that this cancer has just started realising who it's tagged. it reminds me of the saying "catching a lion by the tail". i can just see you turning around, unwavering eye contact and walking towards it with absolute determination. its much smaller than you. And as you draw closer its eyes are looking wide and scared. it could never meet a purer fighter than you.
love
zoe
Saturday, February 04, 2006 4:39:00 AM
And I found myself going to this blog and saying, what if she wants to give up? What about that? What about not fighting? What about surrender and not making it about survival but about something else?
I keep trying to project myself into the fight and I say what if it were me and what if I wanted to give up? And it seems like we are supposed to be the voice of encouragement, positive thinking. Lance Armstrong is in the news again today. He had cancer in his brain and his lungs and he went on to win seven Tour de France championships. How do you know when it is time to surrender?
Of course, I don't know. And what does it mean to surrender? I know of a woman in Wyoming who was diagnosed with cancer. She has been refusing treatment for years. The doctors are telling her it is all through her body, everywhere. She shouldn't be walking and talking and tending her garden or driving or anything but....she is. They said she would be dead in six months and it has been seven years! She doesn't even listen to the doctor. She has completely surrendered and is living happily ever after.
So I feel like I want to say, fight if it feels like the fight is right and when it doesn't, that is o.k. too.
Many blessings and much love to you and Judy.
Love,
Lora
lora@TheCoachApproach.net
Saturday, February 04, 2006 8:17:00 PM
Hey Laura
It is Sunday night. Just read your latest. All my words got sucked away. I keep breathing, believing that my breath will reach you. I have read that the word for wind, breath and spirit are the same in some old languages. I keep breathing to send you love.
Lynne
Sunday, February 05, 2006 5:29:00 PM
Hi Laura and Judy,
I love you guys and I'm just checking if posting is working on this beautiful site. Sometimes the magic works and sometimes it doesn't. I hope I see you next week.
Love, - Harper
Wednesday, February 08, 2006 7:38:00 AM
(Originally posted Wednesday, February 08, 2006 5:20:49 AM)
Dear Laura, Yesterday I read your blog from the beginning. My friend and former pod member, Barbara S, who's been in Leadership this year and who knows I do life coaching with cancer survivors sent me the link. Being a CTI trained coach, I knew about the recurrence of your ilness and have sent my well wishes through space to you. Even though we've never met, I have such profound respect and gratitude for you and other CTI creators.
I printed out your reflections today and sat quietly with them for a good part of the afternoon. I was deeply moved by your intimate thoughts and feelings. I imagine that you're just managing the days and moments as best you can, but your "best" is so beautiful--your desire and ability to connect with others about your experience, your honesty, your commitment to find your own path with this illness, and your intention to live well--are all beautiful. You are beautiful! Your writings say so much about the cancer experience--many aspects that I experienced when I was ill and that I know so many others have endured. Along with giving voice to the universal themes, your unique, strong, honest voice shines through as you share what is real, face what is, hope, live it--every bit of it!
So I write to thank you for sharing your journey and for sharing yourself. As a CTI coach, I was already so indebted to you, and now you contribute to my deeper understanding of the choices we have, even when we don't like the choices we face.
I want to let you know about the work I'm doing because you and other CTI pioneers have contributed to it. I facilitate a life coaching group for cancer survivors at The Wellness Community here in the greater Boston area (see the March calendar at www.wellnesscommunity.org) The group is for those emerging from intensive day-to-day teatment and asking themselves, "Now what?" Some are cured; some are living with cancer as a chronic illness. I call on my own experience with cancer along with CTI training and materials adapted from many sources and hopefully in a coactive way facilitate an experience for survivors to reconnect with themselves and clarify their life purpose and direction. The combination of fear and gratitude that so many feel makes it a powerful and poignant time for coaching.
Since I'm 10 years from my own cancer experience and since I'm a recovering advice-giver and fixer and can easily slip back into "knowing", it's wonderful to read your real time account and reactions and remind me of the difficulties and yet also the impetus to live fully that accompany cancer. It's such an experience of excruciating fear and loss and exquisite aliveness, all in one.
Thank you, Laura. I send you my heartfelt appreciation and gratitude for who you are and what you share. I wish you peace and wellness. I have no doubt that your profound gifts for connection, love, truth, fight, and living will serve you and serve others always! Namaste. I honor the divine within you.
Namaste, Tracy Fitzpatrick
Boston, Massachusetts
tracyfitzpatrick@rcn.com
Thursday, February 09, 2006 11:18:00 AM
Hi Laura:
I can't help myself.....
The level 1 in me believes that the words you post are directed specifically at me. How selfish and yet, how invigorating.
The level 3 says compassion, friction, action, loving, endearment, frightening, hopeful, sad, peaceful, courageous, timelessness, sense of urgency because of the lack of time, anger, fighting.
Love, Pauline
Saturday, February 11, 2006 5:52:00 AM
Dearest Laura - What do I think about fighting? That's a good Inquiry and one with which I hope to spend some time... My first reaction is to say that we were born to fight. It's a natural survival mechanism and instinct in humans, as in all living things...survival of the fittest, and all that. Even when we don't think we are fighting, we fight...for a better lifestyle, for better health, for better this or better that. We can be very sophisticated or downright dirty about it, but we fight... All battles are justified by the fighter. And the purest, most natural fight is the one for our lives and for the lives of those we love. Like your fight. Of course you have to fight! You have fought for lesser things, why not the MOST important thing? And you need allies, and we are here. Some pray quietly, others pray in screams. And all our prayers are heard and in his time (which is not our time - "why not immediately?") God will respond and we will thank him. And we wait. And you continue to fight and we continue to pray. You are not alone, Laura. We are right here. Peace, Love, Healing and Hope, my friend. And lots of Fight!
Saturday, February 11, 2006 12:24:00 PM
February 11, 2006
Upstate New York
Hey there, Sweetpea - -
So good to be with you again in blogland. Thank you for continuing to keep us abreast of your journey.
( FYI - - I have a gentle but spirited dog looking at me with utter disbelief as I read your words and type a few of my own to let you know that we are all pulling the oars with you, even from afar. He has been patiently waiting for his late night romp in a world of smells I cannot begin to imagine...Pooch will have to wait a few more moments while I succumb to the urge to give you a quick hug from The Other Coast.)
Another great question to sit with. My quick thought is how much I love the fighter in you, the fighter FOR what you want or what the world yearns for. I'm told that Mother Teresa refused to join a protest against the war and said that she would happily join a demonstration FOR peace.
I love every facet of your fighter self - -bold, empowered, scared, uncertain, weary, questioning, questing, A-L-I-V-E in the moment even when the moment takes your breath away and makes you wonder if the next moments are worth it, illuminating the path for the rest of us. I love that you choose life - -at least this life which we know - - at a time when it might be easier to say, oh, what the hell???! I love that in your fight for what you WANT nad LOVE that you continue to squeeze the juice out of the lemons as well as the other juicy things that show up on your plate. I love that you share with us the guts and gore of your fight for the life you want.
And I totally get that you have to keep asking the questions, wringing the truth out of the moments. Thank god you do, girlfriend. Because your truth makes our truths and our lives bigger, deeper, more real. Do you know how your sharing your truths brings light and life to thoseof us lucky enough to read them? Even when they reveal take-your-breath-away news about new mets and the ups and downs of your current life road ? Did you ever read that Bobby Kennedy quote about how one stone tossed into water creates ripples that go on and on and on - -and that our words and actions can have the same effect? Well, you have always had that effect, and in this moment you continue to have that effect - of touching hearts, minds and souls both directly and indirectly. Just as I speak with others about you, I"m sure others who love you and cherish your feisty determeination to Live BIg even when the challenges are b-i-g do the same.
I love that you fight for what you want and what you care fabout. You continue to inspire me and others to do the same. And while you're inspiring, aspiring and perspiring, know that we love the helll out of you and care INTENSELY about how you're doing. We're pulling the oar with you even as a frigid cold front moves into our region of the country....and sending you love.
Time to take care of Poochie. Know that we are all wrapping you in our hearts tonight. And tomorrow morning. And on and on.....
Love -- Heather
Saturday, February 11, 2006 9:03:00 PM
Hi Laura,
Hmmmm, not sure what to say except for that I really appreciate the update and am worried about you. You are very brave and I honor your honesty! Laura....this is the fight, to keep on going and going and going...know that I/we/so many love you laura w. and are also fighting for you in our own inner way. So many of us are holding you in their prayers and thoughts... seeing you as healthy and whole.....I sure as hell dont know what to do to support you...all I can offer is my love and friendshp. Please tell me if you would like somthing more and I will give it if I can...REALLY!
THANK YOU for writing this blog Laura...it is an honor and a privilage for me to be in relationship with you now and always, THANK YOU for including me.
Keep on taking those big monster breathes girlfriend...and yes the sun has been glorious.
Sending you love, wholeness, healing light and big hugs across the ethers.
laura h.
Sunday, February 12, 2006 1:38:00 PM
Hi again Laura!
Your last post on the fight felt very authentic and brave. It takes courage to tell people what helps, and what doesn't, even if in general terms. And it is brutally honest to admit to the pain when old friends don't "show up", or when you feel "written off". I have experienced both sides, and have met some of the "no shows" from my husband's battle recently, after all appears to be well. One accidental reunion happened at a "Light the Night" Fundraiser. We accidentally ran into the "no show" on the street. We had heard from mutual friends how miserable and guilt-ridden this old friend was for his lack of contact. So when we saw him on the street at this event, we were not surprised to hear him express (many times) what an idiot he was, truly sorry. It would seem that he had created this imaginary chasm of "well it's been too long, I can't possibly call now - what would I even say. I'm such an idiot". Huge gremlin territory. Huge!
And yet, this is simply one observation. With a somewhat happy ending, so far.
So, I remember someone saying the compelling purpose "They just don't know how, and we can do something about that!". And you are still here, showing us how. Helping us to understand our impact, positive or negative (regardless of what was intended!).
I'm glad for your musings, your honesty. I'm glad for your sunny days, and sunsets! I'm glad for the hope that you will get through this. I imagine you activating us all in this Eastern vs. Western medicine space, and spawning some really important Bigger Games! And I believe that there is a purpose in here somewhere for all of us. We are sharing this space for a reason. We attempt to hold it safe and courageous from the back of the room.
You are so loved, and cherished, by so many, even those that may not be showing up. Your impact continues to grow. And I thank you.
Love,
Melissa
Sunday, February 12, 2006 7:28:00 PM
Having sunshine again sounds wonderful, what a difference a sunny day makes.
And how bold you have been with your recent blog, stating what is real for you and daring to put it on the table where it really needs to be.
I celebrated my cousin's life this last week, and cried for our many childhood memories - he didn't make it. The reason I tell you this is that he didn't fight, he couldn't fight, he wanted to but his body wouldn't let him.
With you I have always felt that your body and your determination have been on your side, and with these allies I have so wanted you to turn this situation around, and rise like the phoenix from the ashes (and oh for so many reasons).
In my thoughts and heart, I don't want you to die, I don't want you disappearing from this planet, I don't want to loose yet another person I feel close to, I don't want to know that there is no way to partner with cancer. I want you out there showing how it can be, and most importantly I want you to be happy and in love with the world .....
How selfish this can all be, and how silently and energetically I feel it puts pressure on you.
Its not about my wants, although these maybe your wants too. Its about your personal journey, and what you can make happen. Your recent blog is looking to make something happen, something your soul is calling for - and I see and celebrate that fight in you.
Laura Whitworth, I love you loads and know how precious life is.
Linda xx
Monday, February 13, 2006 9:45:00 AM
Heather Diddel
Tuesday, Feb. 14,2006
Hey there, dear heart - -
A quick Valentine's day love note. Am thinking about you, fiercely loving you and holding you as H-E-A-L-I-N-G! and ALIVE from across the country. Not sure where you are tonight, but want you and Judy to know that we are all sending you our full-spirited love and nurturing from afar - -along with our awe and gratitude for your sharing and daring to travel this chapter in such an in-to-me-see-damn-it! classic Laura Whitworth way. Loving you every step of the way and so grateful to have shared, and to be sharing, at least a small part of your journey. My life continues to grow and deepen because of you, m'dear...the wanter is alive and growing, the stepping away from busy-ness and into consciousness is an ongoing, rewarding process. Into-me-see continues to be my mantra as well as a gift from you that I have shared with countless others....And you continue to make life happen in a bigger richer way by both your current sharing and the ne'er forgotten words you planted as we traveled through Dreamtimes together.....Looking forward to more and more time with you , whether here on your blog or more upclose and personal...Long, tender hugs for you and Judy from Sam ( who is battling one heck of a fever for the last week ), me, our kids and critters - -
LoveLaughterLiving Well - -xoox - -
Heather
Tuesday, February 14, 2006 9:07:00 PM
Happy Valentine's Day Love!! Yes I know it's the 15th February but it is only just the 15th where you are sleeping :)...
What you said in your last post is brave and valuable. It’s great that you’ve been honest and let everyone know how you want to be supported. The reality is if you don’t ask you don’t get as lot of people just can’t get past their stuff and are afraid to get it wrong, especially when someone is fighting cancer. A lot of time as you have often said to me, they just don’t know how. That’s all. You are just giving them an easy way to know how :)
So what do I think about the fight? About my fight? Oh I refuse absolutely refuse to give up on myself…
Leadership helped me get back into my fight in a big way…your commitment and support to who I was was central in that…and that’s why I am here now.
I always remember someone saying to me ‘that you can’t win if you are not even in the game’. I don’t pretend anymore to myself or others – I want life, I want to live an amazing life, and I want to feel alive, alive, alive.
I am in the fucking game and I have no intention of getting out. That’s fighting to me – wanting what I want, all of it, being unashamed about it, feel it coursing with my veins, and being available to negotiate the difference.
Most of the time I am shit scared but I never stop moving forward and finding courage from somewhere because I really really want it. Sometimes it is easier than others, sometimes it is such a struggle and I never give up anymore. Ok maybe for a few minutes I want to but even then I know it’s a lie : )…
OK, I am going to dive into my day today…and before I go I want you to know that I love you…everything you are and everything you are not…I love it all…you are a beautiful person…Have a fucking fantastic day!
Zoe xx
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 1:58:00 AM
Hi Laura -
I'm still here. Like you, I slip away and engage in the busy-ness... the journey... the fight... and then I come back and touch in. I read what you write... what others write... and then let it all wash over me for a while and ponder what response there is in me.
This whole notion of 'the fight' is an intriguing one. It's one of those things that I have to sort out in my head. I have to get past my judgements of "fighting". Some days I hate the notion of the fight. Those are the days I want to dance instead. Other days.... it seems I'm all about the fighting. On those days the fight gives me energy... it generates passion and passion generates more fight... it wakes me up and has me fight for my own life - the quality of it.... it has me fight for my kids... for my clients... for you.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about Byron Katie's line that goes something like: Struggle occurs when we resist reality.
There's a part of that that's freeing... creates ease when I just look and say, "so this is what's so. Now what?" But then.... there's another part that says, "what reality? whose reality? f*ck reality!" Then I move beyond struggle and into the fight. I want to create the reality and fight whatever bit of someone else's reality is trying to win.
What I hear from you is that you want us to get on your side and fight with you for the reality you want to create - HEALTH! LIFE! VITALITY! HEALING! A CURE.
Well... the fight between Bush and Kerry was a close one. Lots of people had opinions about who would win (not to mention who DID win). There's NO WAY IN HELL I would have voted for Bush, just because someone told me he might win. So... why on earth would I vote for your cancer, when I want YOU and LIFE to win? Maybe we need bumper stickers... LIFE FOR LAURA '06 and beyond.
Apathy, resignation, complacency, avoidance... these are not words I equate with you or with a fight.
Presence, passion, energy, resistance, persistance, will, determination, POW!, BANG!, GRRR!, YES!, NO!!..... THESE are words that beg for a fight... that belong in a fight... that I equate with you.
So Miss Laura... for moments of weakness when complacency or avoidance or apathy have snuck into my thoughts or actions in relationship to you and your fight - I apologize. Please feel me on your campaign team... KNOW that I believe in you... in your fight... in your ability to win. There's an energy that comes with this commitment and belief... passion flows easily. Connection has a purpose.
Loving you and fighting with you,
Helen
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 8:48:00 AM
Wednesday, 2/15/06
Upstate NY
Laura darlin'- -
Another quick late night note (late here, early where you are ). I've been thinking about your fight and your thought-provoking questions about fighting. The image that keeps coming back to me is one I mentioned in a much earlier email - -of you as a pig-tailed cowgirl riding a bucking bronco under the stars. One hand on the reins, the other hand jauntily waving in the air.
That image is from a print I found in Colorado and it so captures my sense of your spirited ride, and battle for full health and vibrancy. I see you sitting tall and strong in the saddle atop that bronco even as it tries its darndest to buck you off its back. From here, it seems clear that you have been and are still totally determined to stay in that there saddle no matter what unexpected tossing and turning the bronco sends your way. And as I say that, I know that even the most determined cowgirl hellbent on staying upright has got to have had moments where she wanted to cry, jump off the horse, dream of riding a subway, give up - -but as you can see in the picture, she stays her course even as she deals with the unepected frstrations and pain of her ride.....
I know the metaphor is probably getting a bit thin. If you could see the cowgirl, though, you'd know what I mean. I'm going to send her your way later this week, to remind you of how fiercely we are rooting for you and seeing your incredible ride as a mix of raw courage, wanting, love, determination, tenacity, inpsiration, perspiration and sheer will to reach your goal. We hold you as bold, strong and healing. Even in those moments of confusion, momentary despair or fury. We're with you no matter what. Fight on, girlfriend - -
Love,
Heather
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 7:31:00 PM
Hi Laura,
Your last post about rehashing made me curious. Perhaps you are assessing, or re-assessing. And what is the cost, and the benefit of reassessing? Is your chosen approach serving you? How can you know? How can you know if it's not?
So don't beat yourself up about rehashing! Just assess, and shift if your game requires it. Or hold onto your stake and step through the gulp again!
Hope this is one of the posts that helps you in your fight - because it is absolutely intended that way! And if not, it's because I just don't know how!
With tons of love,
Melissa
P.S. If I come back tomorrow will I see another post from Laura? 2 days in a row has my hope up!
Thursday, February 16, 2006 2:38:00 PM
Hello dear one:
Just back from Europe and down with the flu. . .and it's great to check in here with all that has been going on in and around your journey.
I had to smile at the mental image of you breathing into a bag with an enthusiastic and committed cheerleader pushing you on.
It had me recall a memory of you that I so cherish. ..a leadership program we were leading together and a participant who was truly a mess, crying and falling apart and shateriing. ..and they said. ..(sobbing deeply) "I feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I am dying."
And you responded with that great enthusiasm and passion of yours, that great FIGHTER and said "Yes! DIE! FALL! What is real and next for you will (and here I forget your exact wording. ..something like open up or reveal itself. ..only your words were not so tidy and much, much more expressive.
I am consious that it takes great courage to cheer. to say. . ."GO. BREATHE. LIVE. SHATTER. ":.. It is an act of love and vulnerability. ..
I notice in your postings since I've been gone a shift of sorts. Such a journey you are on. I can't imagine. I have no wisdom to share and am in gratitude for the journey and the gift of sharing it with you.
I am looking forward to our time together with the Otters in June. There will be much to create from, that's for sure.
All my love,
Karen
Monday, February 20, 2006 2:10:00 PM
Dear Laura -
I keep thinking about this rehashing vs. reassessing conversation. The time I seem to think of it most is when I'm doing logic puzzles or Sudokus. (oddly, I do them to relax!) Anyhow... what I notice is that if I just keep trying to figure it out when I'm stuck, I get really tired and frustrated. I rehash the same possibilities again and again. The answer never emerges. I start to doubt the choices I've made so far and want to peek at the answers to see if I'm on track.
The only thing left to do at that point is to just put it down, walk away, and look again when I'm fresh. That feels like the reassessing time. Sometimes, the opening I needed to get to the solution is right in front of me, jumping off the page when I return with fresh eyes and mind. Sometimes, I rehash for a while and walk away again.
I wish there were an answer page in the back of your life's book... one you could peek at to see if you were on the right track. Or maybe have someone else look and give you clues about how to get there with more ease. I guess that's what all the different health care practitioners are there for... to be your 'answer page' or your 'tips and tricks' team. Maybe that's what we're here for too. Though we don't seem to have the answers for you most of the time, it's good to be part of your tips and tricks committee.
On another note, my own body went and fell apart on me this past week. (That sound odd... like my body and I are somehow separate...) Everything that was happening in my life was leading right to a breakdown. I was moving too fast to rehash, reassess, re-anything. I didn't have time to hash or assess, let alone re-do that! So my back, neck and shoulders said, "oh no you don't! STOP!!" Now I'm in the phase of looking at EVERYthing in my life and wondering what I need to do differently to keep this from happening again. The choices. The non-choice choices. The plan. The system. The presence. All of it. THAT in itself feels overwhelming and brings in it's own stress.
The assessment and reassessment of my life now feel helpful, objective, health-directed. The overwhelm lets the rehashing in the door. With it come guilt, shame, doubt, fear, and all their cousins! And so... like with the puzzles... I set it down, walk away, make one healing choice, and come back to it. The danger for me is always in the not coming back to it. I've put a whole team of people in place to help keep that from happening, but it's still ultimately up to me to come back to it.
Probably more than you need to know... but wanted you to know that your journey teaches me each day and if there's something from my journey that can be a tip or a trick that will help along the way, I'm glad to offer it.
Much love as always,
Helen
Thursday, February 23, 2006 7:18:00 AM
Hello Laura!
I am so glad to hear you are co-leading a retreat, as I imagine you "doing your thing", and being who you always are, without the cancer being in the center of it all. I imagine it as a wonderful vacation from the focus on healing, and yet I also imagine healing as a result of it all!
Sometimes it just feels good to have a change of pace, and be around like-minded people. For me, it can feel hard to spend most of my waking time with people (like my kids, hub, some co-workers, most neighbors and family) that don't share my worldview and passions. So to be in the midst of (what I imagine - again - having not been to Leadership) a group of people committed to becoming their very best selves, to stretch and explore, mmmm... sounds like an indulgence!
I look forward to a CTI weekend on March 4, 5 in Providence - for the first relationship systems class. Since I am spending all this time "relating" to people with differing views, agendas, values, etc... I thought I might as well get smarter at it! Plus I am doing some team coaching at work, and really love it. So, my learning continues...
Continuing to progress my own BGs and support a few others in theirs. The model continuously amazes me, as I find more and more applications for those 9 boxes, at home, at work, and in my community. Love it...
And, I love you, and your on-line family. This is another place I can briefly escape to, to hear the voices of like-minded people (or so it seems - not that we are all clones by any means!). Some are familiar voices, others are becoming familiar. Thank you for bringing us together.
Play well, my dear! Love well, and live well,
Melissa
Thursday, February 23, 2006 8:13:00 PM
Hello, Dear Laura - Just wanted to check in and say, "Hello." I don't have anything profound to say(Is that OK?) It was a lovely, sun-filled day in Houston, Texas today and I took my girls and some cousins out to a park where they frolicked and picnic-ed. And while sitting on the park bench, I thanked God for them, for another day of life, for the sun, and for the people who have left their mark on my life...and with that I thought of you. Thank God for you, Laura.
Love you, Maria
Sunday, February 26, 2006 8:39:00 PM
Dear Laura,
It was wonderful to see you "in action" yesterday as your Leadership group completed. I loved watching you--even with all that is going on in your body and your heart---your spirit was totally there and your ability to grab the learning for yourself and for the group was so apparent. You look radiant! So beautiful, so sexy!
Aren't you glad the rain held off till last night? I hope you have the chance to stay in a bit today. Keep warm, keep fighting--this life on this earth--right now--it's worth it!
Love,
Debra
Monday, February 27, 2006 7:11:00 AM
Hi Laura:
And so, I found myself wanting to catch up on the blog, even after seeing you each day for the last 5 days! Just wanted to let you know that my very resistant husband (up until now), Bill, is talking up his Bigger Game to almost everyone he meets. He's getting me in trouble by volunteering us in everything! He had just attended a Bigger Game workshop in Toronto the week-end before R4 and its like he's on steroids.
Love, Pauline
Monday, February 27, 2006 12:58:00 PM
Dear Laura:
I'm sitting here at the Holiday Inn Express in Oakland post R4, doing emails with the Weather Channel in the background and the real weather sending rain on to my third floor window. All of the clothes I brought to R4 are in the hotel laundry...leadership is a sweaty affair...I've yet to find a deodorant strong enough for it.
Already we're in action. Ben trained me this morning on how to do Yahoo Instant Messenger and I will be training another Equake to train another....our new, electronic crochet exercise with the stake of growth through connection.
Jeanne B is coming to get me for dinner tonight and tomorrow my husband arrives for a short California vacation. He’s getting an entirely new person as his wife for the 4th time in 10 months. More ripples.
Laura, please know that I did not seek you out much at this retreat, but I still "used" you. I want you to know that. Also, I have taken your words about my having been planted to heart, and I will use that too.
Just wanted to touch.
Jeanne C
New Level 4 Leader
Monday, February 27, 2006 1:09:00 PM
Monday, February 27,2006
Upstate NY
Hey there, cow girl - -
So heart-warming to read your recent words of truth and questioning.YOU go, girl!
We just got back yesterday from southwest Colorado where cowboys and cowgirls still stroll the streets. I kept looking for the movie cameras. It of course made me think of the cowgirl image I've mentioned before ( and which Sam is carying out to your neck of the woods later this week to drop off )...I've been without access to the internet for over a week and have been thinking of you and wanting to know how you are doing. What a treat tonight to find so many Laura moments on the blog- - both re the latest retreat with Henry ( which of course triggers memories of my Dreamtime days with you and Henry...I was just explaining to someone last week in Durango the mind-bending homework assignment you gave me at the end of R2 when (1)you told me to get intimate with everyone in the group by the next Retreat, and (2) as I was going into paroxysms of shock and oh-shit-no-way-Jose reaction, your life-changing explanation of intimacy as "in-to-me-see". Truly created a huge shift in my life and has affected countless others I've shared it with...A classic Laura Whitworth stick of dynamite...) and the latest chapters in your journey.
I wonder, Laura, if you get how much your honesty AND characteristic "squeeze that juice out of that lemon, dammit!" approach AND times of vulnerable reflection nad questioning feed us. I hear it time and again in the messages from others, and it so resonates with me - -you continue to dig deeper and to keep showing us by your actions and words how to choose conscious, intentional aliveness ( cranky, tired, inspired, inspiring, joyous, questioning, ever-chanigng AND unquestionable A-L-I-V-E-N-E-S-S )...
I am about to fade, but wanted to let you know that we are loving you fiercely from afar, and are traveling with you as you keep traversing the undulating terrain. I am touched to the core by your bold-even-when-exhausted insistence on doing life your way. Watch out, world. I know that I'm not your mother, but I feel a profound sense of pride in who you are and how you tackle the Big Ones on your path...Mucho love - -
xoxoxoxo - -Heather
hdiddel@woh.com
Monday, February 27, 2006 8:26:00 PM
Hi Laura
Just home from R4 and still vibrating with the impacts - and doing laundry. Your vulnerability and strength (isn't that interesting how those 2 seemingly opposed characteristics are so intertwined!), your fierceness and your tenderness, your presence have been so palpable throughout the program and especially in R4. It is an honour (that's Canadian sp!) and a joy to have taken the journey with you. The Earthquakes are proud to have had you as one of our leaders and we will make you proud. Love you babe! Barbara
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 9:12:00 AM
Hello Laura --- Frederic has been asking about you lately, wondering how you are doing and wanting to let you know that he has much love in his heart for you. Love and respect, Pam and Frederic
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 2:27:00 PM
Dear Laura,
I've been reading your blog and would love to respond to everything that has touched me as I read. And right now, on this crisp, cold Tuesday night in upstate NY, I don't have many words. I do want you to know that I am here, and I am sending you love. I think of you often, and I don't always think to let you know...so thank you for your invitation to simply touch base. You remind me that moments of connection matter.
Love, Hope
hplcoach@earthlink.net
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 6:35:00 PM
Laura - I am saddened to hear of your brother's death. I send you a big hug from Texas.
mgarza@us.ibm.com
Wednesday, March 01, 2006 7:40:00 AM
Hi Laura Sweetheart...
Just letting you know that I am here feeling sad for your loss and imagining how sad you must be...I also toast Lance...not knowing much about you and your family growing up but meeting you and Lorette and Leslie..I can just see you...you must have been quite a family growing up together. I send you and your family appreciation and respect. I hold you all in my prayers and thoughts.
Love to you dear Laura...I will also light a candle for your beloved brother...may the mystery of Peace fill you during this time of your brothers passing...may Peace come and fill your heart and mind with light and gentleness..
I love YOU,
Laura h.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006 1:16:00 PM
Hello dear Laura:
Just a short note to let you know that I am thinking of you and sharing your sadness at your brother's passing.
And sending him lots of love and well wishes for a safe passage as he finds his way home.
Big love,
Karen
Wednesday, March 01, 2006 5:18:00 PM
March 1, 2006
Hi Laura,
Yes, someone else who is finally posting to join you in the fight. I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about you, and hoping and praying for a miracle for you, every day for months and months. The thing is, I read big chunks of the blog from time to time, usually late at night, and by the time I’m finished, I’m exhausted, my eyes are stinging, I’m in tears and my saboteur attacks when I think about writing—just like tonight. So I’m glad for the reminder about how much it helps you to hear from us and that it’s more important to “touch” you than to say something profound or brilliant. (Of course, I knew that…;-))
So first…I am so sorry to hear of your brother’s passing. I can only imagine what that’s like for you... May the love of your blog family make this sad time a little easier. And may he rest in peace.
Then…I thought of you the other day while I was reading about spiritual energy in The Power of Full Engagement. Loehr and Schwartz say, “Spiritual energy provides the force for action in all dimensions of our lives. It fuels passion, perseverance and commitment…The energy of the human spirit can override even severe limitations of physical energy.” Laura, you have a never-ending supply!!!
Lance Armstrong’s story also appears in the book with a quote: “The truth is that if you asked me to choose between winning the Tour de France and cancer, I would choose cancer. Odd as it sounds, I would rather have the title of cancer survivor than winner of the tour, because of what it has done for me as a human being, a man, a husband, a son and a father…The one thing the illness has convinced me of beyond all doubt—more than any other experience I’ve had as an athlete—is that we are much better than we know. We have unrealized capacities that sometimes only emerge in crisis. So if there is a purpose to the suffering that is cancer, I think it must be this: it’s meant to improve us.”
Laura, you were one AWESOME and INSPIRING human being, partner, leader, teacher, writer, colleague, friend, sister, daughter, coach (and more!) before the nasty disease invaded your body. And I don’t know if you agree with Lance about the purpose of your suffering. But I thought it might lift your spirits just a little to read those incredible words from your hero and ally.
Finally…I, your student, colleague and admirer, want to thank you for what I have learned about you and life and love and cancer and myself and my co-workers and friends through this living well blog.
Spirit works in strange and wonderful ways.
With Love,
Lisa
lkleitz@comcast.net
Wednesday, March 01, 2006 9:11:00 PM
(Originally posted Monday, February 27, 2006 5:24:57 PM)
Hi Laura!
I'm taking you at your invitation. You have touched me in so many ways and I am here touching you back!
I have returned to the Bigger Game community with a renewed commitment to my bigger game serving people with life threatening illness find their path to what's calling them that they haven't answered! I've been reading Cancer as a Turning Point by Lawrence Leshan as well as listening to a series of tapes with the same name that seems to be a conference that was held several years ago. As Leshan describes his discovery of a new model of dealing with people with cancer, helping them discover what their purpose in life is and how to "upgrade" their lives - I have to laugh out loud and talk to him and his book and the tape - you're discovering coaching - not psychotherapy!!! It's a stitch.
I'm enjoying hearing practitioners at this conference - both those who have cancer and those who don't - refer to people being in "sacred time."
I'm hoping you've been exposed to these wonderful people - if you haven't run don't walk to get your hands on this material!
Much love,
Melanie Keveles
mkeveles@onlinecoaching.com
Monday, February 27, 2006 5:24:57 PM
Thursday, March 02, 2006 7:02:00 AM
(Originally posted Thursday, March 02, 2006 5:58:00 AM)
Dear Laura,
We have never met personally, and I feel like I know you. I have met many of the other founders and leaders of CTI and Co-Active Leaders Program, through the years of my involvement. From my very first exposure to CTI back in about 1998 or so, I was impressed with the powerfulness, vulnerability, authenticity and connectedness exhibited in the front of the room by every single leader. You were one of their very first models and you have continued that way of being here on your blog.
I have been following your blog for some time now. I wish I had met you in person, and am so grateful for your sharing here. It touches me deeply and I admire your bravery. You have so unflinchingly faced your reality (albeit what you can handle in the moment), moved forward and the same time stayed connected to all there is. You have trusted what you believe and believe in.
I have a medical, counseling, spiritual director, alternative medicine background, which has taken me into many fields including forms of grief counseling and getting on with life counseling, as well as having had to deal with my own illnesses and now some disabilities. So, I have had those various hats on at various times, while I read your blog. And yes, I am amazed how we have to hold the medical community accountable and to keep them on track. What has touched me and my heart the most is when you have come from your heart and shared your humanness in your journey. Do continue the way of the teacher by example!!
In great appreciation.
Linda
Linda Kirchmaier, CPCC
lindakcoach@aol.com
Duluth, MN
Thursday, March 02, 2006 5:58:00 AM
Thursday, March 02, 2006 7:05:00 AM
Thursday p.m. 3/2/06
Upstate New York
Hey there, dear heart - -
Thank you for making time to leave word for us. I'm always so glad to see a new LW posting, grateful for your sharing, and curious about where you are and what you're feeling, thinking, demanding, reflecting, savoring, puzzling, probing, searching, loving, seizing, wanting, needing, finding, trusting, learning, easing-into, doing battle with, aha-ing, not wanting, hugging close, etcetera. Touched by your honesty and the way you are traveling this part of your path. You inspire me to the point of tears at times...Thank you.
My heart aches tonight at reading that your brother just passed over...Know that I'm thinking of you and sending much tenderness and a hug - -
Heather ( aka hdiddel@woh.com)
Thursday, March 02, 2006 7:05:00 PM
Dear Laura-
I finally found your recent notes to us as well as the right place to post again, which oddly doesn't always show up where it's supposed to (I am great at technology when it cooperates with me).
Once again, I am filled with gratitude to hear your voice and the many voices on this blog of those who love you and are journeying with you on your path.
Thank you for exhorting us to communicate, even if we feel we have nothing to say.
And yet, everyone has something magical and profound to say.
What I was thinking about as I read your latest postings, is about "the fight", and how you have shifted my perspective on fighting for life!! Since my mother died of cancer 20 years ago, I always sneered when I heard of someone who "fought the good fight".... or "fought a courageous battle with cancer". I thought - what's the point, when the end is inevitable anyway?" Now I finally get it, thanks to you. It's not the end that matters (in any case, I don't believe there is an end)....it's the path we travel to get there. It's the aliveness, the connection, the determination, the insistence on living, the meaning that we make for ourselves and for others....the courage to do that when hope keeps being pummelled and battered....the tenacity to hold on to Hope.....it IS the fight that counts!!
I am so grateful that you are fighting, and living, and sharing, and showing the way with the fierceness and love and vulnerability that is you. I am so grateful for all that you continue to teach us by your words, and by example. I remember how you love words (as do I). I think of you sitting in a chair (at the BG workshop at The Mother Tree) with books at your feet, reaching down every once in awhile to grab one and read something that touched you so you could touch us. As you do now.
I want to touch you back. To let you know how much you have impacted people like me whom you may barely remember among the thousands and tens and hundreds of thousands (from the ripple effect) you have touched, and continue to touch.
I send you my deepest condolences on the passing of your brother....and my love, admiration, and healing thoughts and prayers to you. Keep on fighting!!
Love,
Marcia
Sunday, March 05, 2006 6:09:00 AM
Dear Laura and Judy,
Well, HI! I've finally made it to the posting section of your blog. My apologies for not manifesting all the good thoughts and energies I've been sending your way sooner!
I have not read your latest posting (after I write this I will check it out), but wanted to let you know I think of you both often and with lots of well wishing in my heart. I will keep your Bigger Game workshop in mind in terms of recommending folks to take it. (I'll be heading out of the country around that time, myself, so will be unable to attend).
Doug and I are slowly settling in at Terra Linda. We have gotten an offer on our house in New Jersey a few days ago and are currently FAXing papers back and forth to seal the deal. Hallelujah! This takes a lot of pressure off. I had no idea what a big deal it would be for the two of us to make this move. Life is an adventure.
That's all for now, dear ones. I am off to read your words.
Much love to both of you,
Anne Grete
Sunday, March 05, 2006 1:28:00 PM
Dear Laura,
Here are some words by a wonderful wordsmith, Frederick Buechner:
Touch
"I hear your words. I see your face. I smell the rain in your hair, the coffee on your breath. I am inside me experiencing you as you are inside you experiencing me, but the you and the I themselves, those two insiders, don't entirely meet until something else happens.
We shake hands perhaps. We pat each other on the back. At parting or greeting, we may even go so far as to give each other a hug. And now it has happened. We discover each other to be three-dimensional, solid creatures of reality as well as dimensionless, airy creators of it. We have an outside of flesh and bone as well as an inside where we live and move and have our being.
Through simply touching, more directly than in any other way, we can transmit to each other something of the power of the life we have inside us. It is no wonder that the laying on of hands has always been a traditional part of healing or that when Jesus was around,"all the crowd sought to touch him". It is no wonder that just the touch of another human being at a dark time can be enough to save the day."
I will keep touching you in as many ways as I can think of.
Love,
Debra
debra@thecoaches.com
Sunday, March 05, 2006 8:45:00 PM
Hi Laura
As I read your blog this morning it struck me that life is like the Co-Active Leadership program. If you want to get our money's worth you had better live full out, notice, act, impact, stay. No lurking in the wings,
You are in my heart, Laura. Love B:}
Monday, March 06, 2006 7:18:00 AM
Hello, Dear Laura - I just caught your latest post. It sucks that you are on such a roller coaster of a ride. I remember my family experiencing the same when my Dad was ill - one day we would be elated, the next in despair...sometimes the two emotions would occur within minutes of each other, depending on the doctors we were seeing or on their bedside manner. And we never stopped hoping. It's amazing, our potential for HOPE.
I've been thinking about FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE lately, and what they mean to me. To me, FAITH is "knowing there's a river because you have seen a stream." It's about sensing, knowing that everything will be OK because God is in charge and has a plan for us even if we don't know what it is (and don't like it at the moment.) It's like the jigsaw puzzle, and taking a piece at a time not knowing what it signifies. We try to find relationship to other pieces that are visible and already in place...and we never lose faith that in the end the whole picture will appear.
HOPE, on the other hand, is the Wanting. It's that little voice inside of us that whispers, "Please! Please make it so. Please, because it means so much to me even if I don't know why." It's a gentle plea, with a deep sigh and a glance upwards to the sky.
And LOVE is, well, Love. It's unconditional, unapologetic, fearless, it stands firm and tall, without excuses or reasons for existence.
I don't know why I had to share that with you except that I believe all three are playing out in all of us all the time, and with you I sense them most poignantly. I sense your larger FAITH, I hear your gentle (at times impatient)HOPE, and I know that because you are who you are, you are loving and very much loved.
The other thing I wanted to share with you was that yesterday I celebrated a belated birthday with my best friends, one of which is a cancer survivor. About 5 years ago she completed Chemotherapy and radiation as a treatment for late stage Breast Cancer. Yesterday, we enjoyed a beautiful brunch at an outdoor restaurant and then went and saw the ballet Swan Lake. Life is more beautiful and rich with her by our side, and I pray that you will start receiving some good news soon because I know there are many, many friends who think the same about you.
Stay strong, Laura, and keep up the fight. Here's to more wind for your sails...
Monday, March 06, 2006 9:30:00 AM
Hi Laura!
I've been listening to your demo on forwarding the action deepening the learning in prep for my next Certification Pod meeting tomorrow. While listening, thought I'd take a peak at your blog to see if you added something.
I was not aware your brother was sick too - and I have no words to express my deep sympathy to you. Please know that my heart is leaping out to you.
I finished reading Cancer as a Turning Point by Lawrence LeShan today - I hope you have had a chance to bump up against this great soul who has contributed so much to this field.
What I get from reading this book by a psychotherapist is that he rediscovered coaching. He asks his patients over and over again, what would it take to upgrade your life?
Now I know it takes tremendous courage (chutzpah really) for me to ask YOU the queen of requesting, challenging and inquiry and of Bigger Games and such, "What would it take to upgrade your life?" but I'm going to do it anyway. What would it take to upgrade your life? - upgrade beyond your wildest dreams?
I know if I found blood in my toilet I'd be in the toilet of fear - and I know that allepathic doctors in white coats sound like they know it all - and what would it take to upgrade your life and get your head out of the toilet and back into living and thriving?
The cancer in your body is you - part of you - what visualizations could you create to see the cancer melting away?
Please know that once again you have touched me Laura - and you have asked us to touch you. And those who know me know that this posting is truly out of character. I'm a life long pleaser. I generally don't venture into this territory - and certainly not so publically - but screw it - I'm taking a stand for you - whatever it takes for you to live in love, not fear, I want that for you! Please know that I love you!
Melanie Keveles
mkeveles@onlinecoaching.com
Monday, March 06, 2006 10:37:00 AM
Dear Laura hello
Jeanne B here in case I forget later. (like what Ted told me to say when I went on a date on Saturday night - say "Hi and thanks for the great time tonight in case I forget to tell you later". Oh I didn't actually say it this time, but maybe I will sometime. I did take his advice on what to wear though)
You are very much in my heart as I think about your brother and your family and all of it. Thank you for sharing everything here.
Some things have been walking out the door since I've been home, and other things coming into my dreams. and your model of courage and laughter grow stronger.
Love
JeanneB
Monday, March 06, 2006 7:04:00 PM
Hey Miss Laura :)
First of all - - - SO SORRY to hear about the loss of your brother. That's a sorrow that I can so far only imagine. When I do try to imagine it, I know the grief that would live in that space would be vast. May his passing inpire and feed your will to fight all the more!
Just back from a heckuva fine lead in MN. Three inspiring days of Process. On the way home, I stopped off to see my sister. We unexpectedly found ourselves in the ER for a few hours this morning. (I took her in when her heart decided to not do what it normally does.) She's okay now, but in coming home and reading your post, I've got to just say - HOW DO YOU DO IT!!?!!?!? After just 3 and a half hours of sitting in an exam room.... waiting.... answering the same questions for each nurse and doctor that came through.... waiting.... blood pressure.... waiting.... blood tests..... waiting...... EKG.... waiting....... appointment setting..... waiting.... I was really DONE and ready to move on and just go have lunch.
Though I think I was patient and pleasant throughout, if we'd been there a few more hours, the patience and pleasantness would have waned. Another day or two of it... it would have been gone altogether. And I wasn't even the patient!
As I imagine you and the multitude of angles you've hit this from... the countless doctors and other folks you've seen - each needing to assess and ask and poke and prod - my hat goes off to you and your patience, courage, determination, etc. etc.
NO WONDER your sails sometimes lose a little wind! No wonder it's helpful to lean into the blog - where no one will ask you your name and birthdate and all the questions that follow on each chart. OY VEY! No WONDER!! I am truly in AWE.
If I were a cheerleader, I'd want to do some rousing cheer to keep you going. (go LAURA!) As your pal, I just want to say... WAY TO GO in the pacing yourself department! Way to fight! Way to WIN! Way to live!
Mucho Love-O,
Helen-O
coachhelen@charter.net
Monday, March 06, 2006 9:46:00 PM
Hello my friend - not a day goes by that I don't think about you and send you loving hugs. AND how would you know?! I've been remiss in putting them into words that you could savour when you lost your brother or are lonely or scared or frustrated or just want someone to gab with. And I am sorry about that - because feelings of being abandoned by friends are hard to deal with when one is challenged with the effects and treatment of cancer. I thank you for your fierce calling forward to us all to reach out to another and not just be in our place of comfort or " I don't know what to say" or "she knows I care about her". You are so right to remind us of the powerful nourishment that comes from someone reaching out and saying - thinking of you!
So here I am thinking of you, reading your messages faithfully, absorbed in your journey and learning from you in so many ways.
I admire your courage and stamina in facing yet more rounds of tests and doctors and results. You don't shirk back from facing the gremlins that show up at night nor from loss of your brother - you still notice Beauty around you and you still share your heart with us. Thank you for all these gifts. Thank you for YOU.
Lovingly with you,
Brenda
Tuesday, March 07, 2006 8:14:00 PM
I see you as a bold and beautiful tree blowing in the wind.....
Bending way over to the right because the wind pushes you there, and then more to the left as you try to understand the situation, and the need. And then back to the centre in time with the breeze to meet us where we are. I have always seen this in you, this life force to be co-active with what ever and who ever shows up, even when it gets tough.
I read something recently which reminded me of you and the blog:
'When you merge with the universe, the whole world is attracted to you,discovering through you its own security, peace and good health. Passing guests may stop by - at first attracted to your savory food and inspirational music. But they might leave more deeply enriched than they could have anticipated' (Ralph Dale's translation of Tao Te Ching - an extract).
I got to spend time with my brother this week, watching and being part of an event he led. I read your news about your brother just before I went to see him. It made our time together ever more special.
I am one of many trees blowing in the wind right there with you.
with much love
Linda x
Wednesday, March 08, 2006 10:55:00 PM
Good morning dear Laura:
What a great way to start my day. ..a cup of good tea and visiting blogs of the people I love. Yours. My Dads. Signys. Neat.
It's sunny today (Friday) but I'm told it won't last. For now though, it IS sunny and it IS Spring. Even if it rains in the next 10 seconds, it's sunny now!
I'm with Helen bo belen. How DO you do it? I had a CAT scan on my achilles on Weds. Half an hour for each ankle and I didn't even have to have my head INSIDE the darn thing. Just lying there with ear plugs in listening to strange noises and no one to talk too. . .after an hour of it I was good and done.
I passed the time by thinking of you and thinking of my dad, lying there on table just like the one I was on. I felt more connected to you in some strange way. And deeply touched by the incredible vulnerabilty of it all.
I'm sending you love and hugs. .. I hope you are "untethered" at this particular moment and can walk about the beautiful meadow and enjoy the spring sunshine, the birds and the beautiful, beatufiul green.
Love to you,
Karen
Friday, March 10, 2006 8:11:00 AM
Me again. Coudn't figure out how to add on to my first post.
I loved Helen's idea of a CHEER. I've been mulling it over and haven't come up with anything much better than:
Rah, rah, rah
Sis boom bah
Gooooo, LAURA.
Ah well. ..we all have our special gifts and clearly this ISN"T one of mine.
I would love to have a really GOOD cheer for Laura. ..something that I can say out loud with gusto and enthusiasm. Any suggestions?
Love,
Karen
Friday, March 10, 2006 8:22:00 AM
hello laura
sending you lots of fierce, tender love...as you make that decision around the chemo and what's right for you....and also as you live with your brother's passing.
i had a very very very small taste of how ungrounding and difficult to get to grips with these decisions can be this week as i've had some weird things going on with my head and i've seen just how much support matters...and actually not just any old support...but people with good judgement...who i can lean into and trust...and people who will go the extra mile just because that's who they are...people to send me a hug and some love...and people who actually know what the hell with are talking about-that comes in quite handy :)!
so i am sending you a big hug - the type of hug that is soo good you just get lost in it :)- and the type of hug that is full of joy and life and it's ok and love and strength and tenderness...and you can add in any other ingredients you want love!
speak soon
zoe xx
Saturday, March 11, 2006 3:38:00 AM
Hi Laura!
Somehow, even though I skim the blog, I always read the things I need to see most. Like, just reach out. No need to be profound,just extend your hand. I can do that. Like, it's okay for you to fight quietly, without effort aka to surrender, not to death, but to life without struggle. Like there's a woman out there who doesn't even talk to doctors and she's seven years past the expiration date they gave her. I'm just amazed at how much there is here for me, for all of us reading and writing; and even more amazed that it feeds you too -- even though we are in such different spaces. What a lovely synchronicity.
I am happy to read that R4 was all you could have wanted. I am happy we could be part of your happier moments. You looked so beautiful and wonderful. As soon as I finish here, I'm going to email Stacey and have her help me post your picture that I took for the Leader Book. You look mahhhhvelous darling. I hope you got my card by now. I mailed it from NZ, so it may be taking the slow route, following my luggage post R4. The luggage got here, so I imagine the card will get there.
Laura, I'm sorry for your loss of your brother and glad that he had you for a sister. My brother just celebrated a birthday, and this has got me thinking about what kind of sister I am. I'd give myself a c+ reaching out to him. I could do much more and it would be so easy and such a pleasure. I will start today.
So here I go. Out into another day, doing a little more reaching and touching. I wish I could just stay here and ramble on. I wish I could just come over to your house and we could ramble in the same place at the same time. And then maybe just hold hands for a minute without saying anything.
Much love,
Holly
Sunday, March 12, 2006 2:09:00 PM
Hi Laura
Knock their socks off in Chicago!
I was at the Power Within last Friday and the keynote speakers were Bill Clinton and Lance Armstrong. Lance spoke about his own story and his passion to help find a cure for cancer. He also spoke of the courage of the women who started speaking openly about their cancers (especially breast and ovarian) in the 1980's which opened the way for him and other ment to speak about their cancer openly (especially testicular, prostate). And he spoke of Dana Reeve, Cheryl Crow and Ann Richards - all friends of his. As he was speaking I kept noticing his yellow bracelet and thinking of you wearing yours.
Anyway, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Love B:}
Tuesday, March 14, 2006 6:26:00 AM
Dear Laura,
Recently, a client called me after hours. His dog was very sick and quite old, and her life was on the line. My client said to me, "I don't know if I'm strong enough to face this."
I didn't know what to say, but this is what came out of my mouth: "You know, I was just reading Laura Whitworth's blog, and the thing that is so clear to me in this moment is that human beings have an incredible capacity to face whatever comes their way. Whatever happens, I know you can handle it."
I felt kinda lame saying it--like I'm some expert on the human condition, but he tells me it was exactly what he needed to hear. My client and his wife are providing round the clock care for their sweet doggie. He is doing the thing he feared he couldn't do.
I just wanted you to know that your open sharing of your journey is touching people in ways you may not have imagined.
Love,
Chuck
Tuesday, March 14, 2006 7:14:00 PM
Hi Laura,
I am sorry to hear about your brother's passing, and about your friend who is fighting pancreatic cancer. I was so terribly saddened to hear about Dana Reeve's passing also, I just lost it. It feels scary, and unfair, and unpredictable.
You did have a stormy week or two, and I will add my prayers that all was a sign of necrosis, dying bad stuff, so that all the good parts can live! And how wonderful that you are getting a "parole" to this keynote in Chicago.
And today is Tuesday, by now you are in Chicago, hopefully with Susan, preparing for a special keynote. The Conference Board - finally recognizing the power and importance of coaching - this is a sign of the impact that you and your coaching pioneer buddies have made. Coaching is becoming mainstreamed into corporate America. Not without bumps of course!
So, I am not sure what else to say now, except I am a bit tired tonight, so off to bed. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, sending positive vibes, wishing I could be there. Wonderful! It will be...
Lots of love,
Melissa
Tuesday, March 14, 2006 7:19:00 PM
Hi Laura,
You've been on my mind quite a lot the last few weeks. I was recently talking to a client about fire and persevering and your smile and firey eyes came to mind. I am a polished mirror today, sending some of that fire and relentless spirit back your way.
With love,
Phil
Wednesday, March 15, 2006 6:39:00 AM
Me too, Laura. . .the big standing O! HOORAY FOR LAURA!. . .Wish I could have been there to see you do Power Point. O my Gawd indeed!
I love your song Judy about "staying alive". Laura also told me about "push em back, push em back, wayyyy back.
And the line in your recent posting Laura about breaking up the cancer and having your immune system "sweep the cancer cells out of your body" made me think of another song for you.
Sung to the tune of "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair"
I'm gonna sweep that C right out of my bod
I'm goona sweep that C right out of my bod
I'm gonna sweep that C right out of my bod
And send it on it's way. . ..
Now, I don't know if you've seen the movie of that muscial, but on, when whatever her name is sings that song, there is NO DOUBT which direction the man is moving and where he is headed. It's clear the guy doesn't stand a chance. ..that's the ENERGY of the song.
Love you, Laura ba dora and I'm so glad you got to go and do your thing! Can't think of much that would be more healing for you!
Thanks to Leslie and to you, Susan and to everyone who helped!
Love,
Karen
Thursday, March 16, 2006 3:29:00 AM
Morning Laura......
I can feel your joy way over here, and I am joyful too seeing your excitement of doing what you love. Its made a difference to my day.
And 'choosing to live' as a mantra, metaphor and intention has such a wonderful sound.
with much love
Linda
Thursday, March 16, 2006 4:12:00 AM
Hi Laura!!
Welcome HOME. Was thinking I'd just drop you a line this morning when I logged on (just because the sun is shining and I can) but OH - WHAT FUN! to read of your news... your journey... your enlivening (I love this word for you!).... Judy's messages... and all the cheers from others who are ignited by your fires! The sun is REALLY shining now!!
One of the last lines in your posting about the shift in focus from 'avoiding dying' to 'choosing to live' hit me like a grand symphony at the peak of resonant sound. YES. THAT's where the energy belongs! THAT's where success lives! As you wash that cancer out of your system... wash with it any remnants ot that old focus. Let LIFE and CHOICE fill every cell of you. Pump it into every nook and cranny. Mold can't grow on the sunny side of a rock, nor can cancer grow in the light of choosing life. I've always been Pro-Choice. How ironic to be Pro-LIFE too!
One last thought.... I was skiing this past weekend and at the top of the hill, just after getting off the chairlift, there's a great place to stand and look out over the landscape. From up there I have a clear view of Lake Superior and my town at its edge. I looked down over that town and thought - That's MY town. I belong there. I belong here. What great choices I've made. I can't tell you how good it feels to know where I belong... to know what brings me life.
When I read your posting and wrote 'Welcome HOME' to you... it's so clear to me that you know where you belong. You KNOW what brings you life. You KNOW how to choose it - again and again. You catch yourself when you point away from it or start to forget... then you choose again. What a GRAND thing! Enlivening!! THANK YOU for CHOOSING and KNOWING and LIVING!!
Loving you and Judy from sunny Michigan!!
xoxo,
Helen
coachhelen@charter.net
Thursday, March 16, 2006 5:25:00 AM
Just read your notes about your trip and your presentation. It's hard to imagine you standing in front of a room using Powerpoint and I know you got your message across loud & clear.
That's what you do, Laura. Whether it is about being alive, leadership, passion, living with cancer . . . you get your message across loud and clear. The world is a better place because of you and what you help people see in themselves. Thank you, Laura.
By the way, Kenny is home from the hospital and doing great. Love B:}
Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:30:00 AM
Hi Laura,
So, here's the line that popped out at me from your latest post. "Imagine...." That's where you have pointed me today. I'll carry that with me.
I'm so glad that you were able to go, to be with people, to talk about your passion.
Sunny skies are promised for this weekend! I hope that you and Judy will be able to enjoy some outside time.
Love,
Debra
Thursday, March 16, 2006 7:31:00 AM
Hi Laura -- Just read about your keynote -- glad to hear you're having fun with your work. It is FUN when it's fun, isn't it? Hugs, xx Holly
Thursday, March 16, 2006 9:12:00 AM
(originally posted Thursday, March 16, 2006 10:09:22 AM)
Hi Laura,
I've been reading your postings, and telling myself that I was going to write as soon as I had something great to say. Is that the introvert in me or what! Well... I don't have the perfect thing to write or say. Right now I'm laughing with the visual of you using powerpoint, and smiling that you've discovered FUN! And at the same time I'm getting all teary-eyed, so thankful that you were able to do the Chicago trip... doing what you do best and what you love.
I'm thinking right now about the first time I met you in my apartment all those years ago. In some respects it seems like just yesterday. Wow... how our lives have changed since that time. Little did I know then that you would become such an important part of my life. Your insights, your wisdom, your guidance, your 'gentle' nudging to get me to Leadership, the good times (and the bad times) with TBGC...it's been quite the ride. And it's been a ride that I'm glad to have taken with you. My relationship with you has changed my relationship with life for the better. You've provided me with a new and different way to think, feel, touch... and just 'be.' I don't really think there's a way to properly thank you for something like that!
And now your cancer, and how you're being with it, has taught me to live each day richly, deeply and fully. And that's what I intend to always do.
I'm sending you a big hug, buckets of love, and some warm Southern CA sunshine your way.
Peace,
Chuck Lioi
Thursday, March 16, 2006 10:19:00 AM
Dear Laura:
Good morning, Laura. So you're an Activator and Strategizer? How cool is that? It was quite interesting for me to read your last post...to learn about you in action in a different way from what I've experienced at the M.T. I was just given a book called "In Praise of Slowness" and our silent, savouring dinner comes to mind again and again. Slow is fast. Fast misses the space...skimming on the surface of things...so tired of that. You've brought that home to me in so many ways. There it is again in your latest post. Thank you.
Happy Friday. Happy St. P Day.
Jeanne C
Friday, March 17, 2006 3:46:00 AM
Dear Laura:
Just a "Hi" and letting you know I'm thinking of you this beautiful Sunday afternoon - caught up with your last note of March 15, and you seemed so happy about your work and your presentation - it gave me such a good feeling for you - again, thank you so much for sharing your process with us - you surely have created such a loving environment...You are quite a woman!!
Lots of love,
Mary
Sunday, March 19, 2006 2:14:00 PM
Hello, Sweet Laura - I've gotten such a kick out of reading your message on the Chicago trip. Of course you would be fabulous! Of course! And I'm so glad you sucked out every bit of enjoyment from the entire experience...I bet you were like a little kid at Disney World: all giggles and wiggles :-)
I enjoyed life to the hilt last week when I took vacation to spend Spring Break with my 4 and 6 yr old daughters. Talk about giggly, wiggly girls! We started off at the beach and it was so sweet to see them parading in their little bikinis, all flat-chested with their coltish legs, unconscious of their looks or the fit of the suit. And, yet, my heart felt a little sad at the passing of time...wasn't it just yesterday they were laying in my arms, suckling at my breast? At times I wanted to cry...I don't think there is any single emotion to describe it but rather a collage of them...pride, longing, gratitude, joy...ahh, Life...
Here's to more of it for all of us! Take care and get some rest. You've done well!
Monday, March 20, 2006 12:55:00 PM
Laura ... I was just catching up on your blog and read about your brother Lance. I'm so very sorry.
I want you to know that I'm still here and haven't discounted you or your fight for a millisecond ... I KNOW BETTER! Sharna and I are conniving to see if we can't visit you and Judy in May and help out in the garden or with whatever you like. I'll be out there to lead a course and would love to hang out with you, that is if you ever actually take a day off from globetrotting and changing the world!!!
That's all for now ... going out for a beer or two!
Love you,
Leslie Clark
Monday, March 20, 2006 4:50:00 PM
(Originally posted Sunday, March 19, 2006 7:43:23 AM)
Laura:
It's Sunday afternoon in Istanbul, Turkey where I am on holiday in between CIT courses first in Dubai and then Tel Aviv. Just finished reading your latest notes and am very aware I am here in this part of the world as a result of your commitment to excellence. This is just one of the many many possibliities you have created with that extoverted tenacity. Thank you, thank you and more thank you. I miss you and send a touch from around the world.
Much love,
Chuck Roppel
Tuesday, March 21, 2006 1:06:00 PM
Yay Laura! I heard all about your wonderful keynote from Susan, the next day - of course! I knew it would fill you up, get you activated, and I want to know more about what you learned! Also, I see Leslie wrote about cancer as your new "bigger game", and I am so curious as to what that really means. And if that's so, what's important now? And how can I help? You know that book I started, well, perhaps there is something there...
I think it's time to talk. If you are up to it, try my cell between 3pm est and 9pm est tomorrow - I will be driving to DC for the second relationship systems class. And returning after 5 pm est on Sunday (and staying with Stacy Gorin- yay!). I will also try to reach you - just not sure "where in the world is Laura Whitworth?"!
BG lives on inside of IBM. More are interested. Those playing, keep playing, and becoming. We keep playing. And gulping happens, and investment, and all of it, as you must know.
Dan's doing well - much better in many ways than when we last spoke. I wanted to share that - and then get upstairs to spend a little quality time with him before heading out of town...
So, good night! And thank you...
Melissa
Wednesday, March 22, 2006 8:27:00 PM
Upstate NY
March 23, 2006
Laura darlin' - -
Hi there, sweetpea...A few moments of stream of consciousness writing before I head off to my pillows...Ahhh. It feels so good to finally be back here, dipping my toes in the warm waters of the love and heart felt support and honest-to-god-no-kidding-this-is-what-is -going-on-for-me reflections and love notes permeating your blog...As always, upsurges of gratitude for your words and LIFE.
I just came back from several days of road tripping with my darlin' daughter Em up in Ottawa and Montreal. Needless to say, it's the "off season" up there, with an abundance of ice and browns and greys - -and yet, incredibly lovely. There's something about getting out of our house and away from our regular roles that is so damn FREEING. And allowed for a different kind of mother-daughter sharing. I got to do a good bunch of listening and simply absorbing as Em shared all kinds of intriguinjg morsels about who she is seeing herself as becoming, and her world, passions, uncertainties, fury, loves, etcetera... Important to stay quiet sometimes and dwell in the being of the moment rather than the doing. Boy, it is sometimes crystal clear and downright humbling to see how our children are our teachers. Just as our friends, significant others, and our challenging co-workers and family members, can be our teachers if we let them in...
In my short getaway with Em, I continued to be struck by the countless ways your words and being show up as ripples in my consciousness. In my thoughts and conversations with myself and others.( Yesssss,I am going around talking out loud to myself with ever-increasing frequency and abandon. In front of the mirror as I pop in my contacts or brush my teeth, or as I drive the car, etcetera....Does that ever happen to you? Is it the irrepressible urge of the extrovert showing up and wanting to talk and talk and talk - -regardless of whether there are no other tangible signs of listening companions ? ) Em and I were talking about "broken wanters" needing to be re-activated ( in all kinds of ways , from becoming aware of an unexpressed wanting and bringing it to the surface, whether in the context of choosing relationships rather than responding to being selected by another, or finding the wanting in terms of this next chapter of independence and growth, and life beyond....) , and dreaming BIG for what we really want. And I kept remembering your comments at Retreat 4 as you were exhorting a Bigger Game, bigger dreams, bigger daring and bigger impact. If not now, WHEN?
I am touched by your email.( Thanks.) And by your ongoing love notes to life and love on your blog. I say YES! to the cleansing out of c cells , the cheers ( I"m inspired by the various cheers that are showing up here, and am trying out some possiblities...I have to disassoicate the concepts of cheers and cheerleaders in the short skirt-y sense...), the winds continuing to fill the sails so you can have one heck of a beautiful gust-driven ride...To the dance of your partnership with Judy as you two tango together along this path...to love, life, and your incredible ballsy/tender/ shy/outrageously BOLD/sexy/thoughtful/heart-filled/questing/thirsting/savoring/ALIVE spirit!!!!
With love for all of you --
Heather (aka hdiddel@woh.com)
Thursday, March 23, 2006 8:12:00 PM
Sweet Laura - A poem for you from
I HEARD GOD LAUGHING - RENDERINGS OF HAFIZ...
If It Is Not Too Dark
Go for a walk, if it is not too dark.
Get some fresh air, try to smile.
Say something kind
To a safe-looking stranger, if one happens by.
Always exercise your heart's knowing.
You might as well attempt something real
Along this path:
Take your lover into your arms
The way you did when you first met.
Let tenderness pour from your eyes
The way the Sun gazes warmly on the earth.
Play a game with some children.
Extend yourself to a friend.
Sing a few ribald songs to your pets and plants -
Why not let them get drunk and wild!
Let's toast
Every rung we've climbed on Evolution's ladder.
Whisper, "I love you! I love you!"
To the whole mad world.
Let's stop reading about God -
We will never understand Him.
Jump to your feet, wave your fists,
Threaten and warn the whole Universe
That your heart can no longer live
Without real love!
------------------------
Have an energy-filled, loving weekend!
Friday, March 24, 2006 3:28:00 PM
hi laura
i have just been catching up with your latest news...and before i start my day i wanted to send you lots of love
zoe xx
Sunday, March 26, 2006 11:17:00 PM
Laura,
So much rain lately...may it wash the "c" out to sea
Thinking of you and sending you strength for the radiation that will be visiting your body soon.
May you be healed & strong.
Love,
Hesteah
Monday, March 27, 2006 9:16:00 PM
Hello Laura, and all who peruse these blog pages...
I thought about you often this weekend, as we missed each other on the phone, but I kept hoping for a late night call on my cell as I drove north on Rt 15, then Rt 81 from Reston Va to Tully NY. Only getting a bit lost once... Of course, I found other conversations to have, other things to listen to, and some silent musings too. And I missed you a bit. I will call you next, and perhaps get lucky :-)
I spent 3 days with Faith and Grace and many other wonderful coaches at Relationship Intelligence, and we stirred up lots of hunger, I think. Wanting, sadness, pain, wanting, love, hope. And more tools to do our work in the world, some of which I used already today.
One thing that got activated in me was around my family, and mostly my kids, 13, 10 and almost 3. I realized that sometimes in my desire for them to be responsible and conscious, I forget to just show them plain old love and affection. Oh... I know they love me, and they know I love them, AND I want them to feel it more frequently in a bigger, free-er, sillier way. So I will say it out loud, and practice a new muscle of love first, everything else second with them. This I find is one of my relationship edges. Love first. Even here, in this post! Notice I did not start out telling you how much I love you! And of course - I do!!
So, love first, everything else second. Including bigger games. Love first. Love first.
And end with love too, and all the other stuff can be in between - sandwiched by love. What do you think? Could we sandwich our bigger games between two slices of love?
So, love first, and love last, and love always, and love now,
Mmmm.... Much love to you,
Melissa
Tuesday, March 28, 2006 4:15:00 PM
Dear Laura:
No lurking allowed, right? I'm thinking of you this morning and making today a day of radical savouring and delight.
Love:
Jeanne
Wednesday, March 29, 2006 7:03:00 AM
Hi Laura, I'm thinking of you heaps! Woke up this morning wanting to talk to you. I know you have all the strength within you that you will need over the next phase of your treatment.
Here's a giggle: did you hear that we scheduled Coaching courses in Sydney 2 weeks ago and they were booked out in 24 hours ??.... we actually got complaints from the managers that they didn't get time to book in before it was all taken!! Oh my, have you/we/LA and Rick started something!! Keep living well, Laura, and know that people "downunder" in Australia are thinking of you and praying for you ...with my love, Jane W
Thursday, March 30, 2006 3:30:00 AM
Dear Laura,
I'm embarassed to say I haven't tuned in for a while, and in reading your latest I'm reminded why. Because I am soooo deeply moved by what you write, by who you are, how BIG you are, and how you call us forth bigger! YES! Tears flow easily as I write, as I imagine you in Chicago with your Power Point - yes, what Power! You go girl! I am so proud of you and so grateful to know you. I'm so happy that who you are touches so many. We need you to continue, and, yes, teach the lessons from cancer --when it's all in the background of learning memories... And, by the way, do you know about "Cancer as a Turning Point?" - next conference in Seattle this July; see www.healingjourney.org, and in SF in September. They are fantastic, and you could be on their stage. I have some of their tapes if you'd like them.
Anyhow, life is good here in San Rafael as I use some of Breeze's energy to get better organized (she blessed our home by working with Elizabeth and some rubbed off!). Enjoying time with my sweetie before I start another bunch of travel.
Hope to see you sometime soon. You and Jude are always in my prayers. Love you, Joanie
Wednesday, May 10, 2006 11:39:00 AM
Hi Laura!
It's been too damn long since I wrote you. Trouble is, you inspired me so much that I had to go and hit my own life from all angles. I don't have cancer or any other such insidious and labelable disease... but I do have life-long habits, road blocks, edges, trigger points etc. that seem like they need the same sort of rigorous attack that you have waged against your cancer. Team Helen's been hard at work prepping to thrust me over my edges and break some of those habits once and for all. Since you're a huge part of my inspiration, you've been on my mind daily and I'm finally back to tell you that.
How's about we come up with some riotous cheer to bolster you through this next round of diligent detox?
Hmmmm.....
Laura Bo-Baura
Her friends do Adore-her
With IVs and cabbage
Out goes cancer's baggage
That old rain - it finally went
Grandma sun seems heaven sent
Rain now is vitamins and splendor
through those veins to mend her
As the sun warms the spirit
Cancer's leaving - let's hear it!
(And as those bolder than I like to say when an unwelcomed guest leaves, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!"
Okay... so I'm no poet or cheerleader, but I know you get the intent behind it. You are loved, held, championed, believed in, fought for, prayed for, and again - loved.
CANCER'S LEAVING!!!! Let's HEAR IT!!
(B-bye)
Love,
Helen
Monday, May 15, 2006 8:51:00 PM
Hmmmmm - it gets so durn quiet sometimes on the visitors side of this blog that I feel "compulled" (Laura's new made-up word to describe what happens when one stumbles across-or otherwise discovers and follows- one of their Bigger Games)...compulled to write, thinking it's like a glitch or a freeze or a stunned-ness (my new made up word) that happens out here in inter-active audience-land. It makes me want to burp the baby-get the flow of air going again.
I noticed that same juxtaposition the other day when I arrived at your house and saw you and Lorett down in the bushes on your hands and knees, weeds flying and then later, sitting sedately hooked up to Baxter (the name of the IV machine). But there was such a huge - HUGE - difference though - your LIFE FORCE was back and pulsating in a way that it hasn't for quite some time. There was a palpable ALIVENESS and INNER RADIANCE that was coming from you. It felt like you had crossed the mountain, like the hardest part had passed. Does it feel that way to you?
Love you,
Isha
Wednesday, May 24, 2006 7:43:00 PM
I will always remember the effervecense you have shown,and the tenacity you have exhibited to help shape Cti. I hope you are in a more comfortable place and know that you have effected so many lives. Although I did not know you well, I hope you keep the road you have travelled in your life as a life's lesson all of us.
Sincerely,
Alyse Cori
Monday, March 19, 2007 12:22:00 PM
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